November 14, 2013

Pauly G's Hateful Week 11 Power Rankings

With games between the Chiefs and Broncos, 49ers and Saints, plus Patriots and Panthers, we're going to learn an awful lot about the league's power structure this year. Until then...the latest rankings:

"By Default Only"
1.) Kansas City Chiefs (9-0, LW: 2)

Good for KC being undefeated and all. But let's be honest, they're long overdue for a loss. One that should have come two weeks ago against the Bills...until Jeff "Yes, I did make it to the NFL" Tuel handed the game over to the Chiefs. Multiple times.

This week's game in Denver intrigues me. I think KC has the means to slow down the Broncos. But can their anemic offense keep pace if Peyton Manning gets on a roll? We shall see.

Can't Wait for the Carroll-Induced Collapse!
2.) Seattle Seahawks (9-1, LW: 3)

You all know my disdain for Pete Carroll. I prefer no nonsense hard-asses to players coaches/cheerleaders as NFL head men. And Carroll is definitely in the "cheerleader" category. Can he keep this team going in the right direction if their luck runs out?

Luck is a big part of being successful in this league. But the 'Hawks have been more than fortunate this season. Between recovering a late fumble when the Panthers were about to beat them week 1, the Schaub pick 6, and playing their sloppiest game of the year against the league's worst team (Bucs), Seattle has had plenty of things roll their way this year. They won't be challenged again until December, with a slate that includes the Saints, 49ers, plus the Rams and Cardinals.

"Let's See How You Fare Against Real Teams"
3.) Denver Broncos (8-1, LW: 4)

Speaking of teams that have played no one, the Broncos are vastly overrated. Once again, their defense has vaulted into the top 10 due to a soft slate. That changes this week, with Sunday being the first of two games in three weeks against the Chiefs (with the Patriots in the middle). They win 2 of those 3, and I'll stop whining about what a mirage they are.

"Cares Way Too Much About Records"
4.) New Orleans Saints (7-2, LW: 7)

Congratulations on your worthless most "first downs in a game" record. It's only slightly less impressive than Drew Brees' streak of TD passes in consecutive days. Basically, no one cares.

"Wow, we've gone a long time without Ron effing things up"
5.) Carolina Panthers (6-3, LW: 9)

The Panthers are finally relevant again after five straight wins. They've certainly been impressive. But are they Super Bowl good? I'm not sure a team coached by Ron Rivera can beat the Saints twice...let alone the Patriots this week. This is THE team to watch down the stretch.

"Underdogs. Against the Panthers. Correctly."
6.) New England Patriots (7-2, LW: 5)

The Pats have been scrappy defensively this year. They've been ravaged by injuries...yet for the most part, have been pretty respectable. And the offense finally caught fire two weeks ago against the Steelers. So why are they this low?

Easy. I don't think the success will continue Monday Night. Carolina has a stable of quality running backs...and a QB who can move. If they commit to the running game, they can gash the Pats up the middle all night. Plus, the Panthers D ain't Pittsburgh's. It's actually good.

My faith in the holy hoodie, the Brady, and the rich-ass Kraft is being put to the test. In fact...I'm forsaking them. At least for this week. Please don't smote me.

"Everything Brandon Marshall said is true"
7.) Detroit Lions (6-3, LW: 8)

The only things worse than the city of Detroit are 1.) The city of Indianapolis and 2.) Jim Schwartz's coaching ability.

"The Real Colts"
8.) Indianapolis Colts (6-3, LW: 1)

I've been waiting for a bleeping YEAR for this untalented team to show it's true face. They've been brutal to watch in the two weeks since Reggie Wayne went down. I'm assuming the cold play continues.

"Should've Stuck With Smith"
9.) San Francisco 49ers (6-3, LW: 6)

Just kidding. Colin Kaepernick's arm strength and speed alone make him WAY better than Smith ever could be. Still, Kaep has been brutally bad this year. I think he'll eventually re-figure things out. But I'm not sure it will happen this year.

"The Wild Card"
10.) Philadelphia Eagles (5-5, LW: 19)

Looking for a trendy team that seems to be getting hot at the right time? Look no further. Philly's O has taken off ever since Nick Foles went under center. And after seeing Dallas crap its pants during Sunday Night Football on D, you've go to make Philly the odds on favorite to win the NFC East.

"Life Support"
11.) Chicago Bears (5-4, LW: 11)
12.) Cincinnati Bengals (6-4, LW: 9)

The 10 teams above these two have legitimate Super Bowl hopes. These two teams? They're still in the picture. But with a banged up Jay Cutler and mediocre at best Andy Dalton under center, they aren't serious contenders.

"Good Luck Next Year"
13.) Green Bay Packers (5-4, LW: 12)
14.) Dallas Cowboys (5-5, LW: 14)

Worse News: Finding out Scott Tolzien is your starting QB? Or that Big D's sieve defense is making Monte Kiffin look senile?

"No. No. NO. NO. NO."
15.) New York Jets (5-4, LW: 13)
16.) Arizona Cardinals (5-4, LW: 16)

Stop winning, Frauds.

"Back From The Dead"
17.) Baltimore Ravens (4-5, LW: 21)
18.) St. Louis Rams (4-6, LW: 23)

Neither are playoff teams. But big wins over the Bengals and Colts show these two classify as "Obnoxious Pains in the Ass".

19.) Cleveland Browns (4-5, LW: 18)
20.) San Diego Chargers (4-5, LW: 17)
21.) Tennessee Titans (4-5, LW: 15)

Don't care.

"I'm going to be SO PISSED when they run the table and beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Again."
22.) New York Giants (3-6, LW: 29)


"Boomer's BFFs"
23.) Oakland Raiders (3-6, LW: 24)
25.) Buffalo Bills (3-7, LW: 25)

They're at least watchable...during the highlights section of NFL Primetime...if it still existed.

"Out Of Touch"
24.) Washington Redskins (3-6, LW: 22)

Worse: Dan Snyder's ignorance towards the PC complaint parade over the nickname "Redskins"? Or Mike Shanahan coaching a decade too long?

"Terrible Towels"
26.) Pittsburgh Steelers (3-6, LW: 28)

This used to be a respectable NFL franchise. Not anymore.

"Our Mothers Don't Love Us Anymore"
27.) Miami Dolphins (4-5, LW: 20)
28.) Atlanta Falcons (2-7, LW: 26)
29.) Minnesota Vikings (2-7, LW: 30)
30.) Houston Texans (2-7, LW: 27)

Between Jeff Ireland's dumbassery, Joe Philbin's inability to inspire confidence, no weapons surrounding a good QB like Ryan Tannehill, and a loss to the Bucs, Miami is a complete disaster.

The same can be said about these three 2012 playoff teams. The Falcons have excuses (injuries). The Vikings have some too (Leslie Frazier, Christian Ponder). But the Texans don't. They made their own grave with a series of gambles that have all gone terribly wrong.

Welcome Back To The Bigs!
31.) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-8, LW: 5,782)
32.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8, LW: 43,911)

Too bad winning is exactly what your teams NEED TO AVOID. #SuckForPotentiallyQualityQuarterbacks

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