November 7, 2013

Pauly G's Hateful Week 10 Power Rankings

Is there really a best team in the NFL right now?

Think about it. The Chiefs might be undefeated. But it took Jeff Tuel "tooling" things up to stay that way.

The Seahawks might be the best team on paper. But they needed to rally to beat the Bucs? And their QB Napoleon Dynamite doppelganger? AT HOME?

And while the Broncos have the most potent offense in the NFL, I legitimately think I could play in their secondary.

So who is top dog in the NFL? I think it's time to jazz things up.

"We live in a godforsaken hell hole Hosted A Super Bowl! somehow"
1.) Indianapolis Colts (6-2, Week 7: 7)

This team is so unimpressive. And keeps winning, whether or against big teams or down 24-6 late in the third. Annoying.

"Getting You Geared For 2003-Esque Disappointment!"
2.) Kansas City Chiefs (9-0, Week 7: 2)

2003 - Amazing Offense, Heralded Head Coach that could never win the big game
2013 - Amazing Defense, Heralded Head Coach that could never win the big game

I rest my case.

"Sweet Twelfth Man, Bro."
3.) Seattle Seahawks (8-1, Week 7: 5)


...had you down 24-7 at one point in your own building.

"We Still Have Raheem Moore"
4.) Denver Broncos (7-1, Week 7: 1)

And I still have zero faith in Peyton Manning in the playoffs.

"Our Supposedly Fixed Defense Made Roethlisberger Look Un-Washed Up"
5.) New England Patriots (7-2, Week 7: 3)

But instead of digging deeper into the wound, I choose to appeal to the Belichick, the Brady, and the holy Kraft. CUE THE MUSIC:

"Richie Incognito-Ing Non-Talent Teams For 5 Straight Weeks"
6.) San Francisco 49ers (6-2, Week 7: 6)

Let's see how poorly Colin Kaepernick plays against a real team like the Panthers.

"Chris Ivory Is Better Than Mark Ingram Ever Will Be"
7.) New Orleans Saints (6-2, Week 7: 4)

Good thing you cut Chris this off-season. No way he'll run for an almost career high 139 yards against you.

"Don't Worry, We'll Find A Way To Blow This Opportunity!"
8.) Detroit Lions (5-3, Week 7: 11)

I'm Jim Schwartz, and I approve this message.

"Losing On A Safety: How To Make Losing To The Dolphins 10x Worse"
9.) Cincinnati Bengals (6-3, Week 7: 9)

Losing to a soft team like Miami is pretty bad...but doing so thanks to a walk-off safety is 10 x worse.

10.) Carolina Panthers (5-3, Week 7: 25)

[Insert un-funny Ron Rivera joke, take a shot at Ted Ginn's hands again]

"Your Rivalry Is Still Irrelevant"
11.) Chicago Bears (5-3, Week 7: 8)
12.) Green Bay Packers (5-3, Week 7: 10)

[Broadcaster Voice]: "Josh McCown. Seneca Wallace. It's a battle for second place to the freaking Lions...NEXT on Thursday Monday Night Football."

"GTFO. Bro."
13.) New York Jets (5-3, Week 7: 22)

I'm actually too impressed to take a shot. So I'll say this: THIS better than the Texans.

"Congratulations On Not Throwing A Late Game Interception!"
14.) Dallas Cowboys (5-4, Week 7: 12)

Romo! Romo! Romo! Romo!

"Not Interesting Enough To Merit My Wit"
15.) Tennessee Titans (4-4, Week 7: 16)
16.) Arizona Cardinals (4-4, Week 7: 21)
17.) San Diego Chargers (4-4, Week 7: 13)
18.) Cleveland Browns (4-5, Week 7: 19)


"Oh, Our QB Just Threw An NFL Record 7 TDs? We Should Probably Wait On Naming Him Starter"
19.) Philadelphia Eagles (4-5, Week 7: 17)

I rather enjoy their peasant fans.

"The Worst Run Organization In The NFL"
20.) Miami Dolphins (4-4, Week 7: 15)

...That has also been irrelevant since 1973. And now they (allegedly) have a G.M. issuing Code Reds, ordering loons like this: carry them out.

PS - Good thing you took advantage of Dan Marino's talent.

"Crab Cakes and Mediocre Football, that's what The DMV Does"
21.) Baltimore Ravens (3-5, Week 7: 14)
22.) Washington Redskins (3-5, Week 7: 27)

"Stick Some More Forks In Them"
23.) St. Louis Rams (3-6, Week 7: 20)
24.) Oakland Raiders (3-5, Week 7: 23)
25.) Buffalo Bills (3-6, Week 7: 24)
26.) Atlanta Falcons (2-6, Week 7: 18)
27.) Houston Texans (2-6, Week 7: 26)
28.) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-6, Week 7: 29)

"Eli puts the E in Erratic"
29.) New York Giants (2-6, Week 7: 41)

"Hey Guys, Making Romo Look Clutch Is Pretty Tough. Give Us Some Credit."
30.) Minnesota Vikings (1-7, Week 7: 28)

And soon the Josh Freeman will be ready to turn the season around!

Florida: Putting the F in Football Failure
5,782.) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-8, Week 7: 95)
43,911.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-8, Week 7: 15,181)

All of these headlines that could only happen in Florida > those two crap bag teams

I'm proud to have once been a citizen.

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