October 16, 2013

Pauly G's Hateful Week 7 Power Rankings

The picture above? Amazing.

Even better? My completely inappropriate victory celebration in the Reliant Stadium press area.

Latest rankings after the jump.

"We Made Jacksonville Look Competitive"
1.) Denver Broncos (6-0, LW - 1)

Yeah, Denver still won convincingly. But I'm cackling with glee to see one of the league's worst secondaries struggle a second straight week. Allowing 500 yards to Tony Romo is understandable. Kind of. But 303 yards against Chad freaking Henne? 190 of which going to Justin Blackmon? Truly pathetic. The Broncos (who have yet to play a true contender) are very beatable, and the return of Von Miller is not going to change that.

"How to Rationalize a Surprising 6-0 Team"
2.) Kansas City Chiefs (6-0, LW - 3)


Those hot takes have been the common narrative for those trying to explain KC's hot start.

Here's my explanation. They have the best defense in the league. Period. And it's not even close.

- They lead the league with 31 sacks, 9 more than the next team
- They're tied for the lead with 10 interceptions
- They lead the league with 8 fumble recoveries
- They lead the league with 48 pass deflections
- They lead the league with 3 defensive touchdowns

Blouses. God save whoever plays QB for the Texans Sunday.

3.) New England Patriots (5-1, LW - 6)

Who cares if:
- Jerod Mayo is out for the year
- Vince Wilfork is out for the year
- Aquib Talib is hurt again
- Danny Amendola is a china doll
- Wes Welker is scoring touchdowns left and right in Denver for five more dollars
- Rob Gronkowski may be acting like a china doll
- Aaron Hernandez is in jail
- Brady's new receivers can't catch
- Brady can't throw anymore?...

This happened:


"Bathing in Rob Ryan's Tears"
4.) New Orleans Saints (5-1, LW - 2)

"The NFC Championship"
5.) Seattle Seahawks (5-1, LW - 5)
6.) San Francisco 49ers (4-2, LW - 7)

Neither team has been particularly impressive thus far (outside of Seattle AGAINST San Fran in week 2)...a bit surprising given their talent levels. But by the end of the year, I expect both to be playing at an extremely high level.

"Paul, You Indy-Hating-Douche. WE JUST BEAT THE 2 ABOVE!"
7.) Indianapolis Colts (4-2, LW - 4)

Yeah, and then you lost to a team once coached by Norv Turner. And that team was doing everything it could to blow it in the final minutes. Also, sweet drops bros.

8.) Chicago Bears (4-2, LW - 14)
9.) Cincinnati Bengals (4-2, LW - 9)

They're good. But not great. And MOST IMPORTANTLY, not watchable.

"Cheese and WHINES"
10.) Green Bay Packers (3-2, LW - 10)

Of late, it seems Aaron Rodgers does nothing but complain. Whether it's a 60 minutes piece not edited to his liking, frustration with the lack of effort in a Pro Bowl (yeah...), replacement refs, or more replacement refs (though this one was merited), he always seems to be whining about something.

Which brings us to this week...where Aaron Rodgers began his crusade on legal tackles.

Listen bro, what's a defender supposed to do in that situation? It's a bang, bang play. If Matt Elam tackles high, there's a chance he gets called for hitting a defenseless receiver. Believe it or not, it in fact IS NOT possible to play in slow motion. So get off your high horse and start complaining about your own raggedy defense.

"Norman Bates"
11.) Detroit Lions (4-2, LW - 16)
12.) Dallas Cowboys (3-3, LW - 12)
13.) San Diego Chargers (3-3, LW - 21)
14.) Baltimore Ravens (3-3, LW - 13)

They aren't quite Norman Bates bad, but these teams have brutal cases of multiple personality disorder. And obviously I mean that metaphorically, P.C. nut job readers. One week they're dominant, the next...an embarrassment. That said, they're all playoff contenders.

"Over-Optimism = Cute"
15.) Miami Dolphins (3-2, LW - 14)
16.) Tennessee Titans (3-3, LW - 11)
17.) Philadelphia Eagles (3-3, LW - 19)

Hey, at least they're competitive. But they're also pretenders.

"Free Tony Gonzalez"
18.) Atlanta Falcons (1-4, LW - 25)

I feel bad for Tony Gonzalez. The Falcons pry him away from retirement promising one last shot at a 'ship, and naturally the season turns into a body bag laden disaster. You think Mike Smith can turn this thing around in time? Then please get me whatever you're smoking.

"So You're Saying There's A Chance..."
19.) Cleveland Browns (3-3, LW - 15)
20.) St. Louis Rams (3-3, LW - 24)
21.) Arizona Cardinals (3-2, LW - 17)

I know they lost this past week, but I'm still SHOCKED that the Browns have more wins than the Texans. Hell, they have a legitimate shot at winning the division...even with BRANDON WEEDEN at quarterback. Wait...check that. I said Brandon Weeden. Nevermind.

The Rams and Cardinals continue to hang around too. This in spite of Brian Schottenheimer being a legendarily terrible offensive coordinator in St. Louis, and Carson Palmer being Carson Palmer for Arizona.

"The Moral Victory Brigade"
22.) New York Jets (3-3, LW - 18)
23.) Oakland Raiders (2-4, LW - 20)
24.) Buffalo Bills (2-4, LW - 23)
25.) Carolina Panthers (2-3, LW - 27)

They aren't good...but I honestly can't say anything bad about them.

Wait a sec. Ron. Rivera.

"The End Of The Road"
26.) Houston Texans (2-4, LW - 22)

It's over guys. It may have taken Matt Schaub getting hurt to hit rock bottom. But they're there (though they'll probably re-define it a third straight week against the Chiefs). The good times were fun while they lasted. But it's time to move on. From both Schaub...and Kubiak.

"Turd Fergusons"
27.) Washington Redskins (1-4, LW - 26)
28.) Minnesota Vikings (1-4, LW - 28)
29.) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-4, LW - 29)

So boringly bad, they don't even deserve a write up.

"Eli Schaub"
41.) New York Giants (0-6, LW - 41)

You aren't the only ones suffering, Texans fans.

"Participation Trophy!"
95.) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-6, LW - 21,948)

Welcome back to the top 100 Jacksonville! We've missed you! Way to beat the spread against the Broncos. That may have been the greatest day in Jaguars history the past 5 years!

I'm serious.

15,181.) Tampa Bay Buccanneers (0-6, LW - 9,372)

Yeah guys, you're gross.

PS - By "showah", I mean the ones NOT in your staph laden locker room.

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