October 3, 2013

Pauly G's Hateful Week 5 Power Rankings: Breaking Bad Edition


Breaking Bad is officially over. And what better a way to celebrate TV's best show than with Breaking Bad themed NFL Power Rankings?

WARNING. THERE ARE SO MANY SPOILERS.

"Walter White"
1.) Seattle Seahawks (4-0, LW - 1)




In the NFL, you need a little luck to be a champion. Just like in real life fictional TV worlds.

Walter White may be an absolute genius. But the guy wouldn't have survived five seasons without:

- Hank failing to realize Walt stole the chemistry equipment from his high school
- Everyone fearing Walt because they thought Jesse crushed a junkie with an ATM
- Gus Fring calling off Tuco's cousins from the hit...even though Walt declined to deal with Gus
- Gale talking himself out of a job as a cook, leading to Gus hiring Walt
- Gale being comparatively mediocre as a cook and needing time to get on Walt's level
- A normally reserved/cautious Gus going out into open to finally revenge-kill Hector Salamanca
- Flawless execution in the "Magnet" scheme to destroy Fring's CPU
- The Methylamine Train Heist going off without a hitch. Or dead adult...
- Ditto for the prison murders
- Marie allowing Walt to pay for Hank's recovery from getting shot
- The Nazis coming to find Walt...even though he called them off
- A bartender in New Hampshire switching to the Charlie Rose show, inspiring his return
- The machine gun car killing all the Nazis

That's a whole lot of luck. And the Seahawks got their fair share Sunday. They had issues defensively. They couldn't protect Russell Wilson. they could barely throw the ball. But a couple of miraculous scrambles, an injury to Brian Cushing, and this fiasco of a play allowed them to rally from down 20-3 for a win.

"Heisenberg"
2.) Denver Broncos (4-0, LW - 2)




The Bronco's offense has more firepower than fulminated mercury. Seriously. Peyton Manning is on pace for 64 TDs, about 5,900 yards, and 0 interceptions. I can't even do that in a video game. While cheating.

It doesn't matter how mediocre that defense is. The Broncos are going to outscore you...just like Heisenberg will always find a way to out-smart you.

"Gustavo Fring"
3.) New Orleans Saints (4-0, LW - 3)




They're vicious. They have huge chips on their shoulder after being CRUSHED by higher powers. And while they've moved on from said incidents, you know that revenge is (and always will be)in the back of their minds.

Remember when Hector killed Gus's partner/probable gay lover at the pool? Gus never forgot, and after biding his time took out the entire Mexican cartel.

So imagine how ticked off Sean Payton was last year. All he could do was sit on the couch and watch the Saints suck every Sunday on TV. Through four games, he's done a pretty good job exacting payback.

"Mike Ehrmantraut"
4.) Kansas City Chiefs (4-0, LW - 4)




Mike isn't flashy. But he's been in the game for so damn long and knows all the ins and outs. Much like Andy Reid.

"But Paul, have you seen Andy Reid's clock management and horrendous challenging? The only Ins and Outs this guy knows are these!"


Well...yeah. So how about this comparison? Mike was Fring's right hand man. And his go to guy in all matters of security. If you want a smart bodyguard who can be deadly as a hitman when called upon...then who better than the Chiefs?

The D? Loaded. The linebacker combination of Derrick Johnson, Tamba Hali, and Justin Houston is on the same level as San Fran's Patrick Willis, Navorro Bowman, and Aldon Smith. When you add Dontari Poe, Eric Berry, and Brandon Flowers to the mix? Good luck scoring.

The offense? Meh. But it is effective. It's amazing how dramatically different they are with an above average quarterback like Alex Smith. Jamaal Charles helps too.

"Todd Alquist"
5.) New England Patriots (4-0, LW - 7)




"Hey look! It's Landry from Friday Night Lights! He's the nicest character ever! Just look at him wave at that young kid! Hang on...why is he pulling out that gun? Oh..."

Todd's character isn't much different than Landry. He's smart. He's polite. And he's creepily obsessed with a woman way out of his league. The major difference? Todd does not hesitate in the slightest when it comes to killing. Nor does he have regrets. Surprising from someone who at first glance is harmless.

The Patriots have been that exactly through four weeks. Outside of Brady, their offense is far from intimidating. In fact, it's been down right ugly. The defense has stepped up big when necessary, but it isn't top 10. On paper, it's difficult to be impressed by them. But at the end of the day, they keep on winning.

Here's hoping that someone in handcuffs doesn't strangle them out in the playoffs.

"Hank Schrader"
6.) Indianapolis Colts (3-1, LW - 9)




Hank is so under-qualified for his job it's hilarious. Remember how he fared after he got promoted to El Paso? He can't speak a lick of Spanish, acts like a hardo jackass during the hotel scene with Tortuga, and then goes Tony Soprano after seeing a drug dealer's head on a turtle. What a softy. Clearly not Super Bowl material.

That sounds an awful lot like the Colts. They can't protect Andrew Luck. Their defense is still awful. And they were on the wrong end of so many statistics last season, it was MIND-BOGGLING that they finished 11-5.

Still, Hank makes the most out of the one thing he does have: a sixth sense. How many times does he jump to insane conclusions with nothing to build off? That turn out to be right? Only all the time.

That's the Colts. We know they aren't Super Bowl good...but they remain competitive. Somehow. Partially by luck. Mostly by Andrew Luck. We'll learn a lot when they host Seattle Sunday.

"Tuco Salamanca"
7.) Detroit Lions (3-1, LW - 22)




One of the best/most dangerous characters in BB, with an unfortunately short stint. Tuco's anger was legitimately terrifying. You never knew when he was going to fly off the rails.

When the Lions have their heads on straight, they're equally frightening. Matt Stafford, Calvin Johnson, and Reggie Bush are an offensive triumvirate to be reckoned with. Their D-Line? Just as good.

But just like Tuco's RAGE ultimately led to his downfall, the same can be said of Detroit's head coach. Not only is Jim Schwartz terrible at his job, he's certifiably loony. Remember this? Ha.

"Saul Goodman"
8.) Chicago Bears (3-1, LW - 5)
9.) Tennessee Titans (3-1, LW - 16)
10.) Miami Dolphins (3-1, LW - 5)
11.) San Diego Chargers (2-2, LW - 17)




Saul could get O.J. off of murder (though apparently that isn't very hard). And he's got some of the best commercials on TV. But when confronted by the Heisenbergs, Frings, and Erhmantrauts of the world, he folds like Blaine Gabbert in the pocket. These four frauds do the same.

"Marie Schrader"
12.) San Francisco 49ers (2-2, LW - 12)
13.) Dallas Cowboys (2-2, LW - 6)
14.) Cincinnati Bengals (2-2, LW - 10)
15.) Green Bay Packers (1-2, LW - 13)




These teams are incredibly irritating to watch, just like Marie's incessant nagging and kleptomaniac sub-plots. Because they should be better. Mostly because they're loaded with talent. And more importantly, because I said they would.

"Don Eladio Vuente"
16.) Baltimore Ravens (2-2, LW - 11)




There once was a time when Don Eladio was the king of drugs in the Southwest. In fact...about 10 minutes before his death. My how things change.

The Ravens weren't Super Bowl Champs for even two months before things came crashing down around them. Flacco balled for four straight games, and got paid as a result. Unfortunately, showing Flacco the money killed Baltimore's short term championship hopes quicker than a shot of Zafiro AƱejo.

PS - Hey Joe Flacco. I finally gave you the "respect you deserve" last Saturday and agreed to tone down the hate. Thanks for re-paying me with 5 interceptions against BUFFALO.

"Lydia Rodarte-Quayle"
17.) Houston Texans (2-2, LW - 14)




Matt Schaub probably did that Sunday.

There's no denying the Texans are a talented team. The defense has been one of the league's best for the first quarter of the season and the offense has some powerful "chess pieces".

There's also no denying that Lydia is the sexiest lady on the show. Check that, the sexiest lady on the show that doesn't OD on heroin. But she had one major problem. And no...I'm not talking about her Stevia addiction/love of gingers.

She's absurdly conservative. Entirely predictable. And has a major stick up her ass. Doesn't that sound like Kubiak's offense with Schaub at the helm? Yup.

"Tortuga"
18.) Atlanta Falcons (1-3, LW - 15)




Tortuga had it all. A free room at a Motel 8 and all the SkyMall memorabilia he could ask for. A pretty sweet deal to snitch on the baddest people in the Western hemisphere...if I do say so myself.

But he got too cocky, was found to be a snitch, and BOOM. He gets decapitated/his head wired to a bomb/ and mounted to a turtle.

The Falcons have found themselves in that same situation. Minus the decapitation/bomb/mounted on a turtle thing. They waltzed into this season as NFC South favorites, but haven't been ready for a tough early slate.

I imagine they turn things around. But another loss, and it's their head.

"Huell Babineaux"
19.) New York Jets (2-2, LW - 23)




Comedic. Relief.

"Flynn White"
20.) Carolina Panthers (1-2, LW - 21)
21.) Buffalo Bills (2-2, LW - 24)
22.) Arizona Cardinals (2-2, LW - 20)




You don't see a lot of Flynn. Except at the breakfast table. But when he isn't stuffing his face with bacon (do people seriously have bacon every day for breakfast? How? That's terribly unhealthy/probably expensive), he can be quite compelling.

The three teams above are in the same boat. They aren't very good. They don't really matter. But tune in and watch them play, and you'll actually enjoy yourself.

"Hector Salamanca"
23.) Cleveland Browns (2-2, LW - 26)




Be honest. The first time you saw Tio, you thought he was a vegetable. He was brain dead. And then you heard that obnoxious bell.

Yeah, Hector used to be a badass. So was Bernie Kosar. This is Bernie now. For Hector, badassery now consists of crapping his pants during DEA questioning.

You'd think the Browns reached that phase after trading Trent Richardson and seeing Brandon Weeden get hurt. But you strap a bomb to his wheel-chair? Now we're talking. And apparently, those two leaving and a little Brian Hoyer is the recipe to be respectable. HUH?

"Badger/Skinny Pete"
24.) Philadelphia Eagles (1-3, LW - 18)
25.) Oakland Raiders (1-3, LW - 25)
26.) Minnesota Vikings (1-3, LW - 30)






10 x less important than Flynn. 10 x MORE entertaining. Sure their teams suck, but watching Chip Kelly's offense/Terrelle Pryor/and Adrian Peterson is can't miss football.

"Skyler White"
27.) Washington Redskins (1-3, LW 27)
28.) St. Louis Rams (1-3, LW - 19)
29.) New York Giants (0-4, LW - 28)
30.) Pittsburgh Steelers (0-4, LW - 29)






GOD, Skyler sucks. But compared with these underachieving crap bag teams, even she looks good. Way to mail it in bros.

"Jesse Pinkman"
1,312 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4, LW - 31)




The Bucs are an absolute disaster, yet seem to outdo themselves with a depressing "Yarghhh, THE SHIP BE SINKING" headline every day. Much like Jesse Pinkman hitting rock bottom a good 200,000 times:

- When Tuco beat the hell out of him
- When he gets kicked out of his parents' house (again)/his Aunt's house
- When he breaks into the impound lot and falls in a port-a-potty
- When Combo gets shot
- When Jane ODs
- When Hank beats the crap out of him
- When he kills Gale
- When Todd shoots/kills Drew Sharp
- When he realizes Walt stole the ricin off him/had Brock poisoned
- When he gets taken by the Nazis
- When Walt tells him he watched Jane die
- When he tries to escape and the Nazis kill Andrea

But it could always be worse...

"Gale Boetticher"
9,002 - Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4, LW - 5,438)




I'd make fun of them, but they're both just so pathetic. Poor little fellahs.

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