October 2, 2013

Game Day Diary: Seahawks 23 - Texans 20 (OT)

I've been advised to avoid swearing when I write. That's tough when you consider the words adjectives. And is even tougher when you watch a poop parade like we saw Sunday at Reliant.

11:34 – Gray on gray uniforms? Terrible idea, Seahawks. That's the kind of outfit that alcoholics wear to Walgreen's to buy more Barton's Vodka.

11:40 - I think there are two possible reasons for these monstrosities:

- Some hipster in Seattle's front office is trying to start a fad (that he'll immediately jump off/claim to never have been a part of if it goes mainstream)
- Or they're going all out to remind us of Seattle's beautiful climate!

11:45 - Gray is an obnoxious color. Why? Because I found a gray hair in my beautiful mane a week ago it has two different accepted spellings: Gray/Grey. WHY?

The Limys prefer the latter spelling. Which begs the question...why would we - as Americans - change the spelling of the world's least interesting color? Does an A suddenly make things VIBRANT and fart sunshine? Apparently...

Enough filibustering...

11:50 – Chris Myers is on the call for today's game. Someone please remind a certain prominent media personality in this city (who definitely doesn't work at my station...) that the Texans' center IS NOT THE SAME PERSON.

12:05 – The Texans found themselves in their first third and long. Naturally, a four man rush completely overwhelms the O-Line. Ryan Harris was completely embarrassed by Chris Clemons.

The issue wasn't Ryan Harris. He's a swing tackle, not an All Pro left tackle like Duane Brown. The problem is that through four games, this line can't give Matt Schaub enough time to throw.

On a positive note, at least Schaub didn't throw it short of the sticks!

12:09 – I miss Johnathan Joseph. At least the real one. Russell Wilson goes right after him on Seattle's first play of the game, lobbing a deep ball to Sidney Rice. Rice didn't catch it, but a burnt Joseph gets called for a 33 yard interference penalty.

Seattle doesn't do much with the free yardage. But they do get 3 points.

12:15 – Andre Johnson just turned a totally busted screen play into a first down. By juking. Yep. Something like: Right stick left. Right stick right. A button. B button. Cheat code.

Not something you see often, because he never has to. He's usually just 100% wide open.

12:20 – Second third and long for the Texans...and we're about to kick start the drinking game. Schaub forces a pass into coverage to Owen Daniels, which gets tipped by a linebacker, then Daniels, then a bunch of other Seahawks.

Yeah...it was an interception...in the red zone. Chug your beer bro.

12:25 – Remember when Marshawn Lynch did this?

He did it again. Drink in it's awesomeness. More importantly, drink.

12:26 – Well...think that play pissed off J.J. Watt. He goes ham on back to back plays, first with a huge tackle for a loss, then splitting a sack with Antonio Smith. Seattle's O-line is making the Texans look great!

Sidenote...it's kind of hilarious to see two guys do their patented sack dances at the same time. Watt with the salute, Smith with the ninja sword.

Sitcom idea? "He's a black ninja! And he's a white soldier! And together..."

...oh...wait...NFL players can't be soldiers anymore. There can only BE ONE!

12:33 – What a quick first quarter...meaning I'll be home in plenty of time for Breaking Bad/Homeland/Pats-Falcons. Hooray!

12:35 – Garrett Graham has really become a weapon for this team, giving the Texans the lead with a 31 yard seam. He’s been killing the Seahawks (and the over-aggressive Kam Chancellor) all game.

12:44 – I think Russell Wilson is going to die before this thing ends. Mercilus sacks him, then Cushing clobbers him on a third and four pass that Joseph breaks up.

12:54 - The offense is in a groove:

- Andre Johnson is emasculating Richard Sherman
- Arian Foster busts loose on a big screen
- Ben Tate follows it on a big run
- Schaub throws a perfect pass to Owen Daniels, who makes a great catch in tur
- Then takes a 14-3 lead on a TD throw to Arian Foster

12:58 – ROUT ON THE WAY. Marshawn Lynch gets drilled by Brian Cushing on Seattle's first play...and loses the ball. Texans recover...and this game is about to get out of hand.

1:01 – There is nothing worse than watching Matt roll out of the pocket. Sean Salisbury's assessment seems pretty accurate:

1:03 – 3rd and goal from the 4 for the Texans. And Schaub looks awkward again. He rolls left...and throws it away. DeAndre Hopkins was open. And a pissed off Andre Johnson was open too.

1:12 – MARCIANO MOMENT! The Texans send out 10 guys to return a punt! Drink.

1:15 – Schaub tries to throw off his back foot (before being annihilated once again due to shoddy O-Line play), and with it

1:16 – Scary moment for Michael Bennett. Seeing a guy get strapped into a stretcher is never easy to watch.

1:29 – You're up 20-3 at halftime. There's no way you can possibly blow this one..

1:48 - Whitney Mercilus may get those 10 sacks after all. He came to play (2.5 sacks) v the Seahawks. I may have to

2:03 – Seattle’s offense is hopeless like every protagonist in a Lifetime movie. They have NO chance. And J.J. Watt is the abusive boyfriend of said female.

And since it's the real world - not the angry script of a ticked off divorced woman going through menopause - she's/Seattle's O-Line = bleeped.

2:06 – Tate just fumbled. The Texans are up 20-3, but why am I feeling this is going to kick-start a Peyton Manning-esque rally (like in week 3 last year)?

2:12 – The Texans D with another big stop...something we're coming to expect. How many times have they bailed out the offense after major mistakes?

Pretty much all the time. Happy drink?

2:17 – Third and long...And Matt Schaub throws it short of the sticks. You know the drill.

2:35 – Russell Wilson put the Seahawks on his back, dude.

His offensive line? Non-existent.
His receivers? Never open.
Marshawn Lynch? Spotty.

Wilson went Christian Ponder on the Texans...with miraculous scrambles of 25, 13, 11, and 4 on 4th and 3 to power a 99 yard TD drive. Coincidentally, Brian Cushing was out in this game too (concussion).

20-13. Profuse amounts of sweat.

2:42 – Oh wait. Oh great. A 3 and out. Schaub gets sacked again, and then throws a short pass on 3rd and 19. Take an aggressive, fearful drink.

2:46 – Russell Wilson has been great. But eventually his craptastic O-Line was going to beat him. Under duress, Wilson forced a bad throw into coverage. And...GASP...it was actually intercepted! Which never happens here anymore! HALLELUJAH! GAME BLOUSES RIGHT?

2:51 – Seriously. With the way the defense is playing, all you need is to kill some clock and pin Seattle back deep. Wilson can't pull magic out of his ass twice in one game right?

2:54 - OH.

2:55 - ...that really happened?

2:56 - Seriously?

2:57 - Hey guys...let's run a naked bootleg with one of the slowest QBs in the NFL and throw a pass short of the sticks on third down! There's no way the defense will see our extremely predictable offense coming!

2:58 - And to make matters worse, Chris Myers with a dreadful line as the play unfolded:

"He has followers...and not just on twitter!"

Slam face into desk. Drink. Chug. Throw Bottle. Swear. Cry.

3:05 - 3rd and 4 at the Seattle 43 with a chance to get a last second field goal? You know what's coming! A pass short of the sticks! Hooray! Drink...and smile crazily to feign that you don't want to throw your TV out the window!

To overtime we go...

3:12 - Wow...look at the Texans getting ballsy and throwing deep on third and long! Obviously it didn't work out, but I like to think that in some alternate universe...it did.

3:18 - Wilson is the only guy doing anything for the Seahawks. Hell...he's the only guy performing on the field. More scrambles. More problems.

3:24 - This is getting more depressing by the moment...and I'm starting to hope for a tie.

Luckily...we get a little comedic relief! Look at Matt Schaub trying to scramble on 3rd and 19!

3:29 – It's 2013, and the NFL officially sucks. Kareem Jackson gets flagged for tackling a guy after the whistle by slamming him into the ground. I think it was a dumb move by Jackson (who had to hear the whistle), but for the referees to throw a flag like that in a close game? Terrible.

Seahawks now in range. They may fire when ready.

3:33 - Wow. They blew it.

So how do we close out the game? Kegstand?

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