October 15, 2013

Game Day Diary: Rams 38 - Texans 13

If Sunday night in San Francisco was a dumpster fire, what was Sunday's game against St. Louis? One of Sarah Connor's loony end of the world dreams?

I mean...holy crap. What more is there to say? Schaub isn't cutting it. Kubiak isn't cutting it. And there's no way to fill those voids...at least this season. GREAT!

Latest diary after the jump:

12:03 – As if missing 5 field goals wasn't enough...it now appears that Randy Bullock can’t reach the end zone on kickoffs anymore. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts...

12:06 – Sam Bradford pulls an Arian Foster and slips while throwing a pass. He is just dreadful. Imagine having a mediocre guy like that as your quarter-ba...oh wait.

12:07 – Arian Foster busts big runs up the middle on back to back plays...first for 18 yards, then for 11. He's been the one consistent positive this season on offense and looks MUCH better than he did last year. It's also dandy to have the whole O-Line healthy for once.

12:10 – Schaub’s first pass just went through the legs of a linebacker. Not into his hands. Progress. Positive thoughts. 3rd and long. Get your drink ready.

12:11 – Robert Quinn eviscerates Duane Brown. Check that, Quinn blows by Brown, who in turn claws him down by the face-mask. Duane has really struggled this season.

Also, not that it matters...but the Texans were short of the sticks on third and long. Drink 1.

12:12 – Third and really long. What will the Texans do?

A.) Throw a pick 6
B.) Throw it to a receiver short of the sticks
C.) Run a draw
D.) Get sacked

The correct answer was C. Naturally, fans boo.

12:15 – Bradford throws a horrible bomb deep down field...and gets bailed out by Kareem Jackson for 40 yards. I think the call was touchy and the ball wasn't catchable.

That said, even if the refs hadn't thrown a flag on 25, the Texans still would have been penalized. Why? Because Antonio Smith clubbed Bradford across the face. Whether 40 yards or 15 yards, Dumb penalties continue to ruin this team.

12:25 – After the game, plenty of peeps were discussing how Matt Schaub wasn't bad against the Rams. Well bro, he wasn't good either. Need an example?

Schaub runs a play action pass with mass protection, and both Andre Johnson and DeAndre Hopkins running gos. Schaub holds it...holds it...and then gets sacked. I don't remember if either were open...but I do know that Schaub doesn't have the quicks to roll out of the pocket and throw the pass away. Or the arm strength to throw to either of those guys to begin with.


This time it's DeAndre Hopkins, who fumbles well into Rams territory. Can't fault Schaub on that. Progress! Positive Thoughts! #BeWell

12:37 – The Texans are NEVER gonna get that takeaway. They're minus 9 in the turnover battle on the year. Meanwhile, the Rams are surprisingly driving.

12:44 – Arian Foster has come to play, and is making ridiculous cuts all over the field. Huge run. Cut back. WHOOP. Another huge run. Cutback. WHOOP. Cutback. WHOOP.

12:48 – You should have known that Berman video would foreshadow a Texans disaster. FALSE START. INSIDE THE 10. DEREK. NEWTON.

I think it's time we start saying Derek's name like this:

12:49 – Third and long? You know the drill. Short of the sticks. Drink. Eff Bomb.

Meanwhile, seeing the Texans kick a field goal instead of going for it on fourth and short is just maddening.


1:00 – Another stupid play...this time from a guy who actually hasn't sucked this season. Brian Cushing just dives into the back of Sam Bradford after he slides. Just completely idiotic. When Cushing is making dumb mistakes like that...which Texan can you count on?

1:03 – 17-3. 2 score hole. 2-4. Cancel the season.

1:12 – Schaub gets sacked. But hey, at least he didn’t go fetal position! We can build on that! Progress! Positive thoughts!

1:14 – Third and long, and holy crap Schaub threw it deep and into the end zone. Probably should’ve been pass interference there. But hey, at least fans are booing the refs instead of Schaub! Progress!

17-6 the score at halftime.

1:35 – Third and long. Here it comes. I'm too annoyed to tell you what to do.

...Oh, and on top of that, a touchback by Lechler. Great.

1:40 – Well, some guy named Zac Stacy is steamrolling the Texans by ground. That's just a fantastic sign!

1:43 – The Rams cap the drive on a touchdown slant to receiver Brian Quick. This time it's Kareem Jackson effing up, as he doesn't get inside position. 24-6. Oh lord.

1:47 – ...and then Keshawn Martin fumbles the ensuing kickoff, which is returned for touchdown. But hey, it was a fumble 6, not a pick 6! Progress!

1:55 – Good thing the Texans are taking their sweet time on this drive. It's always important to move as slowly as possible on offense down 31-6. You don't want to risk being embarrassed by a bigger final score...

1:57 – Derek Newton just ended the Matt Schaub era. Finally fans have something to cheer Newton for...apparently.

I feel bad for Schaub. Yeah he's been terrible, but it took his ankle twisting around like a corkscrew to finally get some love from the fans.

What is sarcasm?

1:59 – 3rd and long...way short of the sticks. Drink.

2:04 – 3rd and long...short of the sticks. Chug.

2:05 – Yates just threw a 98 yard pick 6. Just when you thought all your "Schaub"-lems were behind you...

...You're pulled back in to a world of terrible quarterbacks.

Also...Purchase a liquor store.

2:16 – Another Yates interception. Brew your own beer and sell it in the Czech Republic.

2:25 – Oh god...

2:29 – Third and short...short of the sticks. Start a world war, become a prisoner in said war, and create your own potato moonshine vodka.

When your done, escape from the prison. Also, don't die.

See you next week.

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