September 5, 2013

Pauly-G's Hateful Week 1 Power Rankings/Season Predictions


I'll do these every week. And more often than not, not at the last minute.


“Oh, you showed Joe Flacco the money? I’ll show you to the golf course”
1 - Baltimore Ravens

"Hey Paul, bro, the Ravens just lost like 200,000 people and you spent all off-season shitting on them. You cray."

I have my reasons:
1.) You win the Super Bowl, you earn at least a week of respect in my rankings.
2.) Denver's secondary will find a way [again] to make Flacco look like a golden god.
3.) The "nobody believes in us" factor has officially been nullified by a number 1 ranking. I BELEEVZ IN YOUZE GUYZ! FORRR SERIALLY!

"Chill the &!@$ out Jim"
2 - San Francisco 49ers

I think Harbaugh is the best mortal coach in the NFL...


But he is merely a mortal. And rage-storms like this:



...make me think he's going to randomly have an a aneurysm after an incomplete pass on first down. And die, along with the 49ers SB chances.

"Hey assholes, I've picked you to win it all for three straight years...get with the program"
3 - Green Bay Packers

Seriously. I had y'all right in 2011, but you have 6 regular season losses the last two years and just 1 playoff win to show for it. Get your head on straight.

"How Our Coach Will Cost Us A Super Bowl"
4 - Seattle Seahawks

Pete Carroll is a great defensive backs coach. Great head coach? Ehhhh no. Just ask the Patriots of the late 90s and the USC teams that DIDN'T have Reggie Bush. A ton of big games, and a whole lot of nothing.

The 'Hawks are a trendy pick this season. They should be, because they have LOADS of talent. But they've been absurdly chirpy this off-season, and are awful full of themselves for a team that took half a season to transform into a juggernaut.

Pete Carroll isn't the kind of coach who will bring them back to reality. He's a cheerleader, and is probably buying into the hype himself. Hell, he probably still thinks this game was a legitimate win:



We're due for some Petey Pete pissing away a powerhouse's season.

"How Our Coach Will Cost Us A Super Bowl, Part 2"
5 - Atlanta Falcons

Speaking of pissing away seasons, Mike Smith always seems to find a way. Look at his entire playoff resume:

1-3-09 - Cardinals 30 - Falcons 24 (in Phoenix)

Falcons were up 17-14 at halftime. Outscored 16-7 in second half

1-15-11 - Packers 48 - Falcons 21 (in Atlanta)

The Falcons led 7-0 after one quarter. Outscored 48-14 the rest of the way.

1-8-12 - Giants 24 - Falcons 2 (in New York)

The Falcons led 2-0 late in the second quarter. Outscored 24-0 after that, 17 coming in second half.

1-13-13 - Falcons 30 - Seahawks 28 (in Atlanta)

The Falcons were up 20-0 at halftime. Outscored 28-10 in second half, and needed last second field goal to win. And even AFTER that last second field goal, they botched a squib kick and gave Russell Wilson and company a chance at a Hail Mary.

1-20-13 - 49ers 28 - Falcons 24 (in Atlanta)

Atlanta led 24 - 14 at halftime. And promptly choked away another game, outscored 14-0 in the final two frames.

Add all that up, and what do you have? A team that is horrendous at making adjustments. NEXT.

“Stop Smoking that Mile High Mary”
6 - Denver Broncos

Oh...the Broncos have a great offense? Can their offense stop:

- This
- or This
- or most importantly, that:

No.

"Nothing to see here..."
7 - New England Patriots

No Welker? No Gronk? No alleged murderer fellah?



No matter....ummm...CHAMPIONSHIP!!!...???

"Of course Paul put them after the Patriots..."
8 - Houston Texans

#ThenStopGettingYourAssKicked

"Irrationally Induced Hard Knocks Levitra"
9 - Cincinnati Bengals

They could be good. But let's see it on the field instead of HBO.

"Sweet Birthmark Bro"
10 - New Orleans Saints

I've got a feeling Drew Brees and the boys are going rage mode this season.

"F*ck these guys for making me put some thought into it"
11 - Washington Redskins
12 - New York Giants
13 - Dallas Cowboys

This division is way too even every year. So this is all you get.

"The Old Fogeys"
14 - Pittsburgh Steelers

So old. But still dangerous, like driving grampa to the grocery store without his depends.

"Missouri Mediocrity..."
15 - St. Louis Rams
16 - Kansas City Chiefs

My most boring headline. For my two sleeper teams. #Effort

"Too Many F*cking Running Backs"
17 - Carolina Panthers

Imagine if instead of three running backs, the Panthers had 3 receivers worth a damn for Cam Newton?

"Wife Selection: The Only Thing I Bring To the Table"
18 - Minnesota Vikings

Sam Ponder > Christian Ponder

"F-R-A-U-D-S"
19 - Miami Dolphins
20 - Indianapolis Colts

The Phins went Daniel Snyder mode this off-season. Don't worry, they still suck.

The Colts went 11-5 despite being on the wrong end of every stat in the book last year. That will change.

"The Sci-Fi Channel"
21 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers
22 - Philadelphia Eagles

They'll probably be terrible. But hey, at least they're entertaining enough to watch!

"Boring: (adj.) not interesting; tedious."
23 - Chicago Bears
24 - Arizona Cardinals

Paint. Drying.

"HAHAHA. JIM SCHWARTZ"
25 - Detroit Lions

No words necessary.

"How to underachieve WITHOUT Norv Turner"
26 - San Diego Chargers

Is that possible?

Can it happen?

"Non-Talent Spending Spree"
27 - Tennessee Titans

Bernard Pollard is their marquee free agent signing. He is only useful against the Patriots. #WrongDivisionBros

"The Worst Cities...Ever"
28 - Cleveland Browns
29 - Buffalo Bills

No.

"Cancel The Season"
30 - Oakland Raiders
31 - Jacksonville Jaguars
32 - New York Jets

Nope.

PAULY-G-STRADAMUS

So, how will this bad boy end up playing out? Here are my regular season predictions:

AFC PLAYOFF PICTURE
1.) Denver Broncos (AFC West Champs)
2.) Houston Texans (AFC South Champs)
3.) Cincinnati Bengals (AFC North Champs)
4.) New England Patriots (AFC East Champs)
5.) Kansas City Chiefs (Wild Card #1)
6.) Pittsburgh Steelers (Wild Card #2)

NFC PLAYOFF PICTURE
1.) Green Bay Packers (NFC North Champs)
2.) San Francisco 49ers (NFC West Champs)
3.) New Orleans Saints (NFC South Champs)
4.) Washington Redskins (NFC East Champs)
5.) Atlanta Falcons (Wild Card #1)
6.) St. Louis Rams (Wild Card #2)

And now...the results:

WILD CARD ROUND
Patriots 31 - Chiefs 17
Bengals 20 - Steelers 16
Falcons 42 - Redskins 20
Saints 30 - Rams 28

DIVISIONAL ROUND
Patriots 31 - Broncos 24
Texans 24 - Bengals 14
Packers 42 - Falcons 34
Saints 30 - 49ers 27

CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND
Patriots 28 - Texans 24
Packers 38 - Saints 21

SUPER BOWL
Packers 35 - Patriots 24

"Paul, have you been eating pixy stix with Aaron Hernandez? You think the Broncos suck because of their defense, yet you're taking the Packers to win it all? #GoFuckYourself

"Bootsy, you dumbass homer clownbaby! The Patriots Super Bowl chances were killed by Aaron Hernandez [allegedly] (pun intended)!"

"Paul you don't have Seattle in the playoffs? Are you insane? Or just a total fucking moron? Oh...I know. Both."

"Gallant, forget the fact you don't think the Texans are going undefeated. Which is just pathetic on your part. You don't think they're ever going to beat the Patriots? Go back to Boston you Turd Ferguson"

"Pauly-G is a terrible fucking name"


WOOO FOOTBALL.

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