September 14, 2013

Pauly G's Hateful Power Rankings: Week 2.0625

"What the hell Paul? You're really slipping with these deadlines man."

Cool story bro...
1 - San Francisco 49ers (1-0, LW - 2)

...Where we should have been before getting flayed by the Flacco.

2 - Denver Broncos (1-0, LW - 6)

The offense wasn't. The defense is.

"Who Dat, Who Dat"
3 - New Orleans Saints (1-0, LW - 10)

They are the team that I said is better than the Falcons. Bro.

"See what I told...AWWW GOD DAMNIT D'ANGELO!"
4 - Seattle Seahawks (1-0, LW - 4)

San Fran better finish the jobf Sunday Night.

5 - Green Bay Packers (1-0, LW - 3)

We don't have one.

"Suck it Smith"
6 - Atlanta Falcons (0-1, LW - 5)

Up 10-0 in the first? And then lost? Wow, never heard of that from the Falcons before. #WhereAdjustmentsDontHappen

"Jesus Christ Fellahs"
7 - New England Patriots (2-0, LW - 7)

I'm 5'11. I'm quick. I'm white. Sounds like a formula to get 10+ catches...especially with Kenbrell Thompkins and Aaron Dobson dropping every pass in sight. #SignMe #PayMe

"Jesus Christ Fellahs, Part 2"
8 - Houston Texans (1-0, LW - 8)

The Texans sure as shit picked the right team to not show up against the first 25 minutes. With that said, here are my thoughts in a nutshell.

- Schaub looked good once down 21. Maybe he feels no pressure when in a big time hole? Whatever the case, I'd like to see more of what I saw Monday Night.

- The Defense: I'm unsure what to make of it. They were awful in the first against a decent passing attack, then lights out in crunch time down 28-7, 28-14, 28-21, and then tying things up themselves with a pick 6. They allowed just 10 yards and no first down the last 25 minutes of the game. Which is fucking incredible.

- Duane Brown: Sucked.

"Missouri making Pauly Proud"
9 - Kansas City Chiefs (1-0, LW - 16)
10 - St. Louis Rams (1-0, LW - 15)

The sleepers looked good!

"King Cavallari"
11 - Chicago Bears (1-0, LW - 23)

Jay Cutler's bad-assery puts the B in Bears. The word "boring" also puts the B in Bears.

"Don't worry, the Hard Knocks Hard On lasted less than 4 Hours"
12 - Cincinnati Bengals (0-1, LW - 9)

Which means we don't have to call a doctor. Mostly. Still, outside of A.J. Green, the Bengals were pretty underwhelming.

"This division can kiss my ass"
13 - Philadelphia Eagles (1-0, LW - 22)
14 - Dallas Cowboys (1-0, LW - 13)
15 - New York Giants (0-1, LW - 12)
16 - Washington Redskins (0-1, LW - 11)


Newsflash: this is the one division in the league that doesn't have ONE legitimate Super Bowl contender. Not ONE.

WOW PHILLY SWEET OFFENSE. Way to do nothing in the second half.

OMG DALLAS...YOU FORCED 6 TURNOVERS? Sweet bro, congratulations on your 5 point home win.

Giants fans are actually realistic. I'll spare you and your shitbag running backs for a week.

RG3 SAYS HE'S 100%. ALL IN FOR WEEK 1 BABY. HAIL TO THE REDSKINS. If you were all in for week one, what are you now? Broke flat broke?

"He's Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack"
17 - Baltimore Ravens (0-1, LW - 1)

I'd been waiting for Flacco to come back to suck-town for a while. But the Ravens defense beat him there in their return trip to Denver. Geez, was that a disaster...

"Poopy Flavored Lollipops"
18 - Carolina Panthers (0-1, LW - 17)

You guys had a chance to take down Poodle Pete's Totem Pole Tops. And you failed. Seriously D'Angelo. Thanks.

"F-R-AUD, F-R-AUD, F-R-AUD, and FRAUD! was their Name-O"
19 - Miami Dolphins (1-0, LW - 19)
20 - Indianapolis Colts (1-0, LW - 20)

Surprised they struggled against the Browns and Raiders? What did I tell you? BAD READER...that's a BAD READER!

"Yo Honey Badger, way to be a dick and cost me my fantasy game"
21 - Arizona Cardinals (0-1, LW - 24)

The "Hernandez Pixy Stix" lost their fantasy season opener BY ONE POINT. after ex(?)-pot addict (apparently that is real) Tyrann Mathieu stripped Rams tight end Jared Cook of the ball on his way into the end zone. That play did me in. Thanks bro, way to be ironic and hustle.

"Not Buying It"
22 - Tennessee Titans (1-0, LW - 27)

Jake Locker is still QB bro. GTFOOH.

"Old Yeller"
23 - Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1, LW - 14)

So much for my playoff prediction. They had some good times. But it might be time to take them out back for "a treat"...aka a shotgun. Especially if Maurkice Pouncey and Larry Foote are out for a while.

Speaking of Old Yeller, I saw this at Kroger yesterday:

50 Lbs? Probably comes complete with the rabies AND a 12 gauge! Good job Disney.

Schwartz and Suh: The Musical!
24 - Detroit Lions (1-0, LW - 25)

You can't go a game without one of these idiots making a bad headline. Either Schwartz for being legendarily incompetent or Suh trying to destroy someone's arm/leg/career/potential to procreate with a cheap sot. Suh took the prize this week.

"What's the meaning of that word down there Chief?"
25 - Buffalo Bills (0-1, LW - 29)
26 - Oakland Raiders (0-1, LW - 30)
27 - New York Jets (1-1, LW - 32)

I thought E.J. Manuel was the best QB coming out of this year's draft. Think I might have been right. He did play New England last week (a defense many consider trash, but I think is vastly improved). Yet he was impressive, barely looking like a rookie. I think Buffalo has finally found their guy after a 16-17 year journey post Jim Kelly.

The Raiders? They're bad, despite the Colts trying their hardest to prove they have a trainwreck of a defense. But Terrelle Pryor was the one bright spot. If he only had anyone else of value to play with.

As for Geno Smith, I'll say this. I still he think he's bad. I know he has no hope playing for a lame duck head coach in a bad organization with no weapons. But all things considered, he could have been a lot worse in his first 6 quarters.

And then the second half against the Patriots happened. I can rest easy with my prediction.

"Adrian Peterson and..."
28 - Minnesota Vikings (0-1, LW - 18)

Jack diddly poo. You know things are bad when:

- You have a mediocre to bad quarterback. (Christian Ponder: 18-28 236 yds, 1 TD, 3 INT, 3 Sacks)
- Some in said fan base wants to see said quarterback get injured murdered.
- Which would pave the way for Matt Cassell. Oh the irony.

"Another choke? F*ck that Norv Turner guy!"
29 - San Diego Chargers (0-1, LW - 26)

Why the hell didn't we fire that choke artist after last season? Or the season before? Or the one prior to that? Things will FINALLY CHANGE!!!

"Yeah, we lost to the Jets"
30 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1, LW - 21)

Let's not blame it on Lavonte David (8 tackles, 1 sack, 1 INT, 2 PD at OLB, and unfortunately this) or Josh Freeman (15-31, 210 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 3 sacks) and his beautiful hair. (who seems to be having a BALL with the Bucs).

Instead, I'll pin it all on this loser hardo who some how finagled an NFL job from a gig at Rutgers. #UnderqualifiedCity. Ladies and gentlemen....Gregggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg SCHIIII-AAAAHHHHHH-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

"Brandon Weeden's Retirement Party..."
31 - Cleveland Browns (0-1, LW - 28)

...Should probably be booked right now. Gotta save that date!

"Ga-Ga-Ga Gabbert!"
32 - Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1, LW - 31)

Their abominable helmets still look better than anything Blaine Gabbert can do.

That said, the Jags could rise a peg in the ranks or two with the 'Bert out. Blainey needs to start looking for another career. With that hair, he might be a good Chia-Pet model.

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