September 25, 2013

Pauly G's Hateful Power Rankings: Week 4


You know what I really hate? THIS NFL SEASON. It's been impossible to get a grasp of who's good...and who isn't. That's definitely good for the league...but not for me...or my "off-the-charts" football IQ. Here are your week 4 rankings:

"Everything I Say Is A Lie"
1.) Seattle Seahawks (3-0, LW - 1)
2.) Denver Broncos (3-0, LW - 2)


The concept of Pete Carroll and Peyton Manning playing each other for a Super Bowl is NAUSEATING. And EXTREMELY POSSIBLE. They've annihilated their competition.

"Hey Paul, didn't you pick Seattle to miss the playoffs because Pete Carroll wouldn't keep his players from getting too arrogant and out of countrol?"

uh...

"And you also said that as good as Denver's offense was, their secondary is a colossal trainwreck. Bro, they have 6 picks...you Douche-Canoe."

***crickets***

"Is Anyone Actually Surprised?"
3.) New Orleans Saints (3-0, LW - 3)


Sean Payton is back. The team is pissed. And the offense is just about unstoppable. Nope. NEXT.

"Shit's About To Get Weird"
4.) Kansas City Chiefs (3-0, LW - 8)
5.) Chicago Bears (3-0, LW - 10)
6.) Dallas Cowboys (2-1, LW - 14)


The first weeks of the 2013 season have been FUCKING CRAZY. Seriously. The Chiefs have earned their way to number 4 with fantastic defense and a competent coach/QB. But the Bears? The Cowboys? The only reason they're vaulted this high is because of the failures of the preseason favorites. Which in itself has also been shocking.

"Cupcake Buffet"
7.) New England Patriots (3-0, LW - 9)


This is easily the hollowest undefeated record in the league. I think the Pats defense has improved, but can't say how much based on games against a couple of rookie QBs and Josh Freeman. Brady meanwhile, seems to have lost a step. You can fault his rookie WRs to a degree. Still, he had a lot of bad misfires against the Bucs Sunday.

"Really F*cking Weird"
8.) Miami Dolphins (3-0, LW - 16)
9.) Indianapolis Colts (2-1, LW - 22)
10.) Cincinnati Bengals (2-1, LW - 11)
11.) Baltimore Ravens (2-1, LW - 19)


"But Paul, didn't you say the Dolphins and Colts are frauds? And that the Ravens "suck"?"

I'm not going to make it through this season. I've NEVER felt this stupid when it comes to my NFL knowledge.

Also...in-fucking-credible win by the Colts over the 49ers. Seriously. Pagano ran the ball down the throats of one of the best defensive fronts in the league...on the road...against the NFC's best coach. Bravo.

"The Titanics"
12.) San Francisco 49ers (1-2, LW - 4)
13.) Green Bay Packers (1-2, LW - 5)
14.) Houston Texans (2-1, LW - 6)
15.) Atlanta Falcons (1-2, LW - 7)




I'm glad the Falcons are folding like the pretenders they are. That said...a lot of drama in Green Bay and San Francisco. Aaron Rodgers hates Mike McCarthy...and everyone on his team. Collin Kaepernick has been just as bad as RG3, yet hasn't been criticized. Aldon Smith is apparently a drunk. And both teams are 1-2, with their arch-rivals off to 3-0 starts. Yikes.

Don't get me started on the Texans...a team who could very well be 0-3. That game in Baltimore was awful, especially considering that was a game they SHOULD win 8 out of 10 times. The Ravens are like Afghanistan...bombed out and depleted by injury. Yet that was your offensive effort? THAT?

And then you look back at your preseason prognostications. You tell yourself, "on paper, the Texans are just as talented as these other AFC Teams". But you couldn't bring yourself to put them in the Super Bowl. Why?

Easy. Schaub. Kubiak. Boom, roasted.

"Coulda...Shoulda...Woulda Beaten The Texans"
16.) Tennessee Titans (2-1 , LW - 17)
17.) San Diego Chargers (1-2, LW - 13)


These teams are both better than last season...but by how much? That remains to be seen.

"Fantasy Football God"
18.) Philadelphia Eagles (1-2, LW - 15)


If you ONLY looked at your fantasy football league, you'd probably think the Eagles are in the midst of 2007 Patriots-esque season (just look at how dominant Vick, McCoy, and Jackson have been).

...But, if you ONLY looked at the Eagles defense, you'd wonder how the hell they even won a game.

"Major League Baseball"
19.) St. Louis Rams (1-2, LW - 12)
20.) Arizona Cardinals (1-2, LW - 18)


...is boring. Much like these two teams are.

"How Ron Rivera Saved His Job"
21.) Carolina Panthers (1-2, LW - 28)


The Panthers FINALLY showed off their potential Sunday after two abominable choke-jobs to open the season. Don't be shocked if they vault up the board with winnable games at Arizona, at Minnesota, v St. Louis, and at Tampa Bay up next.

"Every Game We Win Is Another Jim Schwartz Doesn't Get Fired"
22.) Detroit Lions (2-1, LW - 24)


Luckily, games against Chicago, Green Bay, Cincinnati, and Dallas in the next five weeks should change that.

"Get Da Fuck Outta Here"
23.) New York Jets (2-1, LW - 27)


Stunned. Geno Smith is kind of competent? Yet another development making me feel I know shit about football.

While we're on the Jets, I know their fans are pleasantly surprised by the winning. But doesn't this team want to phase out their head coach, move on, and get a high draft pick next season to help rebuild?

I doubt their success continues. But Jets fans debating the value of winning and losing this season has been extremely entertaining.

"Chris Berman Boners"
24.) Buffalo Bills (1-2 , LW - 25)
25.) Oakland Raiders (1-2 , LW - 26)






Yeah I know...you all "hate" Chris Berman. Just like you all "hate" Nickelback. Everyone loves to be another sheep on hate bandwagons. But come on. NFL Primetime was the best sports show running with Boomer and Tom Jackson, and ESPN was idiotic to let those rights slip away. Berman hasn't been great at his other ventures with Disney. But if he was still doing the Primetime (that everyone watched), I'm pretty sure we'd still enjoy it.

Especially with Terrelle Pryor and E.J. Manuel. Yeah their teams are 1-2, but imagine how many "Nobody Circles the Wagons", "Thaaaaaaaaaa Raidaaaaaaaaaaaas" and "Whoops" we'd get? Oh, nostalgia.



"Tanking...But Still Winning? Sounds Like Cleveland"
26.) Cleveland Browns (1-2, LW - 40)


Geez...they can't even sink their own season. Which is hilarious...because that's exactly what they're trying to do.

"Making Our Coaches Redder By The Second"
27.) Washington Redskins (0-3, LW - 21)
28.) New York Giants (0-3, LW - 20)



I know Dan Snyder is getting a lot of flak for his team's racist nickname. That said, he does have a Redskin for a head coach.

The Redskins biggest problem? RG3 is no where close to 100%. Even though he thinks he is.

The Giants wish they could say that. They have no line, no running game, no defense, and just suffered the worst loss of the Tom Coughlin era. And it wasn't even close. 38-0? To the Panthers? You've got to quit to lose that badly, and New York did exactly that Sunday.

"The End Of Dexter"
29.) Pittsburgh Steelers (0-3, LW - 23)


The Steelers are dead to me...just like Dexter killed itself in embarrassing fashion Sunday Night.

This is a franchise I respected. This is a team I picked to make the playoffs. And how do they repay me? With horrendous play, and a season ENDING fantasy football loss.

"But Paul, why are you taking it personally? And who cares about your mark ass fantasy team?"

Answer: Because. And BECAUSE. For the second straight week, I was the lowest scoring team in the league. Yet still somehow had a chance to win. All I needed was a decent effort from Ben Roethlisberger...and for the Bears defense (who I was going against) not to score any touchdowns. Naturally, Big Alleged Rapist Ben doesn't just toss a pick 6, he also gives Chicago a FUMBLE-6.

Fantasy Football: Ruining real football since 2005. Seriously. It's no longer possible to sit back, watch, and enjoy a game.

It was also impossible to sit back, relax, and enjoy the end of Dexter. Seriously? You end your series LIKE THIS?

[SPOILERS ALERT]

1.) With Dexter killing the season's main antagonist...with a pen.
2.) With Debra randomly dying off camera
3.) With Dexter deciding to drive back to hospital where Deb died...in a boat...and carrying her dead body out of the hospital to his boat. By the way, he does this immediately after explaining to Batista and Quinn that he killed "The Brain Surgeon" in self-defense. The two give his take a lot of thought...and
4.) With Dexter tossing Deb's dead carcass in the water.
5.) With Dexter saying "EVERYTHING I TOUCH DIES...WAHHH" then driving off into the sea "Perfect Storm" style. He does this, even though he has a 3 year old kid that he left with a woman he loves...who also happens to have murdered everyone close to her.
6.) With Hannah (his lady friend) finding out that Dexter went missing looking at headlines on her Ipad. No where in said headlines does it say "Hero Cop Who Was Shot Into Vegetative State Missing" or "Hero Cop Who Was Shot Into Vegetaative State Body Found Washed Ashore" or "Hero Cop Who Was Shot Into Vegetative State's Brother Goes Missing At An Awfully Convenient Time".
7.) With Dexter apparently swimming back to sea through "The Perfect Storm"
8.) With Dexter now a lumberjack...with a beard...in like Oregon.

Way to make me waste an entire month catching up on your series via Showtime.

"Relegation"
30.) Minnesota Vikings (0-3, LW - 29)
31.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3, LW - 30)
5,438.) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3, LW - 4,067)


Poor Minnesota. Does it get any worse than losing to the Browns?

Yup. Josh Freeman...who has somehow become the only quarterback in the same stratosphere as Blaine Gabbert overnight. Freeman and Gabbert have respective quarterback ratings of 59.3 and 30.8 (HAH!), and are tied for dead last in the league with a 45.7 completion percentage...nearly 9% lower than the next to last QB (Geno Smith) That's reallllllllllly bad, especially in today's NFL.

I took it easy on Jacksonville, only dropping them 1,371 spots. After all, no one wins in Seattle.

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