September 21, 2013

Pauly G's Hateful Power Rankings: Week 3


Late again? Duh.

"Poodle Pete's Totem Pole Tops"
1.) Seattle Seahawks (2-0, LW - 4)


I HATE putting them here, and still think things are going to fall apart eventually. But when you stomp out your arch-rival/the best team in football like that? You have to be number 1.

"Look at the size of that boy's heeed!"
2.) Denver Broncos (2-0, LW - 1)





"I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick."

Back to the Broncos. They looked good (again) against the Giants, and really frustrated Eli Manning with 4 interceptions. Didn't someone say they have one of the worst secondaries in the NFL?...

Still, when you lose your starting left tackle (Ryan Clady) for the season, you have to drop a spot.

"Santa Claus!"
3.) New Orleans Saints (2-0, LW - 3)





You know what's freaking ME out? That new defensive coordinator Santa Claus has turned this defense around in just two games. Even better for New Orleans? They don't play a legitimate offense for the next three weeks...and will probably get New England before they're back to 100%.

"That realllly got out of hand"
4.) San Francisco 49ers (1-1, LW - 1)




The Seahawks are probably wanted for murder too. I still think San Fran is a better team because of Harbaugh, but when you add up a pissed off 'Hawks team coming off a bad week one and that home field advantage, you're going to see beatdowns like you saw Sunday night.

"Green Bay? More like Green GAY"
5.) Green Bay Packers (1-1, LW - 5)


Not that there's anything wrong with that. In case you couldn't tell, this is the last "insult" I came up with and last team I broke down. They're good...but not San Fran good.

"The Gallant-Mobile"
6.) Houston Texans (2-0, LW - 8)


Old reliable sure as shit ain't pretty, just like these last two Texans wins.


But at the end of the day, you get to where you want to go. And when you need to parallel park into tight squeezes she gets it done...just like Andre Johnson and DeAndre Hopkins can make catches in traffic.

...yeah that was a reach.

"Every time we suck in the second half, Pauly gets Self-Righteous"
7.) Atlanta Falcons (1-1, LW - 6)


It's only gonna get worse, bros.

"He is the Walrus"
8.) Kansas City Chiefs (3-0, LW - 9)


I gotta say, turning the Chiefs around isn't THAT hard. Get a new head coach, get a new QB, and BAM. Playoffs. Andy Reid has done okay...but can he bring the Chiefs to the Super Bowl like coach Paul Gallant and Terrelle Pryor did that one time? In Madden? It remains to be seen. We can't all be legends.

"Uhhhhhh..."
9.) New England Patriots (2-0, LW - 7)


...moving on.

"HEY...That's the guy from the League!"
10.) Chicago Bears (2-0, LW - 11)


Epic performance by Mrs. Cavallari in that episode.

"The Cleveland of Kentucky"
11.) Cincinnati Bengals (1-1, LW - 12)


Why the hell is Cincy's airport in Kentucky? Why is this all I could come up with?

"...But look at the way they fought back guys!"
12.) St. Louis Rams (1-1, LW - 10)


...I really needed that win to justify my playoff pick.



"Irrational Rankings Jump!"
13.) San Diego Chargers (1-1, LW - 29)




They've got talent. And they've only choked away HALF their games thus far.

"The League's Worst Division: Part 1)
14.) Dallas Cowboys (1-1, LW - 14)
15.) Philadelphia Eagles (1-2, LW - 13)


Can you believe the Cowboys are legitimately the best team in the NFC East? And it might not be close. Yup.

On the other hand...can you believe the Eagles offense is...fizzling? Unfortunately yes. Chip Kelly is still learning the ropes of the NFL...and doesn't have a 96 man roster anymore to keep the troops fresh. I'm still rooting for him.

"Shut the F*ck Up
16.) Miami Dolphins (2-0, LW - 19)
17.) Tennessee Titans (1-1, LW - 22)
18.) Arizona Cardinals (1-1, LW - 21)


Congratulations, way to no longer be terrible. But quit acting like you're contenders you mark ass marks.

"Joey"
19.) Baltimore Ravens (1-1, LW - 17)




Looking for a terrible spinoff show with 83% of the cast missing? Featuring a mediocre, in over his head character named Joe? Look no further than B'More.

"The League's Worst Division: Part 2"
20.) New York Giants (0-2, LW - 15)
21.) Washington Redskins (0-2, LW - 16)


This is what I get for drafting Eli Manning to my fantasy football team. #Sacreligion

This is what the Redskins get for letting RG3 call the shots. He ain't ready Mike Shanahan. He ain't healthy, exactly like he was against the Seahawks. And you have a more than capable backup. The NFL is a marathon...not a sprint. And when Griffin doesn't even have a RUSHING YARD thus far, clearly something is wrong.

"No such Luck..."
22.) Indianapolis Colts (1-1, LW - 20)


HA. A PUN. SEE HOW CREATIVE I AM? BECAUSE THE COLTS HAVE ANDREW LUCK AT QUARTERBACK AND AREN'T AS LUCKY ANYMORE.

By the way, that Richardson trade reeks of desperation. A first round pick? For a running back? In today's NFL? Behind that O-Line?

"Rocky V"
23.) Pittsburgh Steelers (0-2, LW - 23)


Used to be in shape. Used to have that eye of the tiger. But the fastball is gone. And now his son has an earring. Here's hoping they have a moment like this so I can save face with my playoff prediction:



Speaking of Rocky, is Adrian the least supportive wife of all time? Just a total bitch.



Jesus lady...get off the guy's back.

"Jim Schwartz is...Norv Turner"
24.) Detroit Lions (1-1, LW - 24)


A talented team? That severely underachieves? Probably due to stupidity at head coach? Are we sure Norv Turner is the offensive coordinator for the Browns? Because this is a mirror image of San Diego.

Speaking of old Norv...he looks exactly like Al Gore:


Except a weathered, beaten down, Bond Villain-esque Al Gore:


"Madden Legends"
25.) Buffalo Bills (1-1, LW - 25)
26.) Oakland Raiders (1-1, LW - 26)


So I'm the Chargers in my madden league...and good god. I'd kill for a QB with some legs. Phillip Rivers? Ole Molasses ain't getting it done...especially behind that line.

Meanwhile...guys like E.J. Manuel and Terrelle Pryor? Those dudes can fly...and chuck the ball. And they do it to an irrationally exceptional degree in that game.

With a guy like Pryor? You CAN get to the Super Bowl...in Madden. Just ask my brows, bro.

"Not As Shitty As Advertised?"
27.) New York Jets (1-1, LW - 27)


We shall see. Give them credit for not being an embarrassment to open the week.

"Keeping Shit Interesting"
28.) Carolina Panthers (0-2, LW - 18)
29.) Minnesota Vikings (0-2, LW - 28)
30.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-2. LW - 30)


Well they all clearly suck (sorry Adrian Peterson). But hey...at least they've hung around for two full games? Yeah?

"Relegation"
40.) Cleveland Browns (0-2, LW - 31)
4,067.) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2, LW 32)


Top to bottom, the NFL is BY FAR the most competitive league in the US (NHL is a close second). You see at least one surprise team (if not multiple) come out of nowhere every season. And a ham sandwich team like the 2012 Cardinals beating the Pats last year? That's possible too. Don't remind me.

And then you get limp dick teams like the Browns and Jaguars. Cancel the season for Cleveland, who just traded away their best offensive weapon (Trent Richardson to Indianapolis) and will start QB Brian Hoyer for the now injured Brandon Weeden instead of Jason Campbell. Meanwhile, Jacksonville took 117 minutes to score their first TD of the season.

With that in mind, it's unfortunate there aren't any smaller football leagues in the USA. Because the NFL - with the new rookie wage scale - kind of rewards losing. Just ask the Colts and their "Suck for Luck" campaign. Wouldn't it be interesting if the bottom two teams could be demoted to a lesser league (like in the EPL)? Then the Browns would have no reason to trade a guy like Richardson. They'd need him.

The Jags on the other hand? Total lost cause.

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