September 24, 2013

Game Day Diary: Ravens 30 - Texans 9

That game? Trash. The thoughts that went through my head during said game? Marginally better.

11:53 – I know you're not supposed to bite the hand that feeds you. But I think CBS does an abysmal job across the board with it's NFL Coverage. Forget the NFL Today...which is just pure ass. Instead, consider their top broadcast tandems:

1. Jim Nantz, Phil Simms
2. Greg Gumbel, Dan Dierdorf
3. Ian Eagle, Dan Fouts
4. Marv Albert, Rich Gannon

I love Gumbel. I like Eagle. And Fouts and Gannon are pretty good as color guys. But the other's just tough to stomach. Nantz is just too smarmy. Simms brings few credible takes to the table. And Albert can't see anymore.

Dierdorf? Is borderline senile...AND has been out of the game since 1983. That's unacceptable...because it's changed so much. Hell...just take a look at the last 10 years!

I get that I'm supposed to respect my elders. But respect doesn't mean you're entitled to a job until you die. When you lose your "fastball"? It's time to hang up your headset. Because you don't want to be remembered for sounding like a rambling nursing home patient calling NFL games.

Speaking of Dierdorf...he's on the call. Crap.

11:58 – Ed Reed in a football uniform is a somewhat unsettling sight. And it has nothing to do with it being a Texans uniform instead of a Ravens. It's entirely that he no longer looks like a homeless guy. Amazing what a helmet can do.

Before the game, Shannon Sharpe (surprisingly) brought something to the table calling Reed's look...

...the Frederick Douglass look:

It isn't 100%. But if he grows that bad boy out and adds a little Touch Of Grey...he'll get there.

12:04 – We didn't see this for a full game. But how about Arian Foster running like an actual running back? Less dancing. Less slippage. And more lowered shoulders and broken tackles. Maybe two weeks of Ben Tate playing well pissed our philosopher friend off. I hope it did, because I enjoyed seeing him run angry.

12:08 – Holy Shit, look at Matt Schaub! Back to back throws down field on third and kind of long. Is this a sign of change?

12:13 – Terrence Cody left the game with a knee injury. To be honest, I'm shocked that this guy:

...EVER had knees that could support him.

12:18 – Ohhhh there's Matt! He throws it short of end zone on 3rd and goal. Field goal time.

12:21 – The Ravens offense is literally incompetent. Flacco has ZERO weapons to work with. Still, give the Texans D credit for forcing their 13th 3 and out of the season.

12:26 – Viagra's rolling out a new commercial...where some douchey old fogey is wandering around his warehouse and is apparently considering banging his blueprints. Or wants wood on his way home to wifey after she sent a slutty text.

12:28 – Look at Matt Fucking Tarkenton/Vick/Manziel evade a sack and get off a throw! That's got to be a once and a life time occurrence...

12:30 – I know we shouldn't expect too much out of right tackle Derek Newton. He is what he is. Accept it.

Still, I feel like the only thing he does exceptional is holding players who still eventually get a sack.

12:32 – The Texans have a real shot at winning back to back defensive player of the year awards.

And I'm not talking about J.J. Watt. Screw that J.A.G.. I'm talking about God Lechler, who is routinely dropping punts at the one yard line. I've always known Legler is good. But had no clue he was this awesome.

12:34 – Fourteen three and outs. Can we make this a happy drinking occurrence? I think we need one.

12:41 – ...Because Schaub just threw a pass short of the sticks on third down. You know the drill...

...Hang this an elaborate Texans game plan to get Randy Bullock his pleasure back? DUH. It can't be the fault of a conservative game-plan or mediocre quarterback.

12:48 – What a stupid fucking play by Johnathan Joseph…who hasn't been good this season. You get a third straight 3 and out...and give Ravens some momentum/a first down by taunting. Wake up, bro.

In retrospect, I know the Ravens didn't take advantage of Joseph. But they would later...

a.) Throw short of first down (though Keshawn Martin caught it and made some), Derek Newton held someone, and then a
b.) Derek Newton held someone
c.) Draw on third and long
d.) Jesus Christ, all of the above, Drink, Drink, and Drink.

1:10 – This game is sloppier than Cory Monteith's favorite cocktail - Barton's and Heroin. Don't worry, it isn't too soon. He had his ass kissed for being an idiot at the Emmy's.

Which I don't get at all. He's a 31 year old star on a big time TV show, and was dating this chick. It's sad that he died, but I'm supposed to feel bad that he got addicted to heroin and bought the farm as a result? NOPE.

Meanwhile...this guy?

Deserved one. Not just for his acting. You can't find one person who has a bad thing to say about James Gandolfini the man.

1:17 – Schaub. Pick 6. What do we do here? Chug a 40? Break a remote? Watch "Too Cute" on Animal Planet?

Screw sportscasting. I want that narrator's job and I want it now.

1:25 – Well if you thought that interception was bad...wait till you get to see the first MARCIANO! moment of the year! Not only does the score put the Texans down 17-6, but your special team stalwarts: Brian Braman and Shiloh Keo completely whiffed on Tandon Doss! Hooray for unintentional comedy!

1:30 – 17-9? Certainly not great heading into half time. But you'll take it. Randy Bullock deserves credit for a 3-3 first half.

As for the Texans offense? Yikes. The defense played pretty close to perfect for an entire half, and you trail because you couldn't finish drives. It's not like that was a problem AT ALL down the stretch last year.

1:50 – The cornerback formerly known as Johnathan Joseph is a shell of his former self. Torrey Smith is fast...and can beat some of the best corners in the NFL (just ask Champ Bailey). But you can't be beat over the top on a third and 13. Keep that guy in front of you...because you know he's only going deep!

1:54 – Smith looks like he beat Kareem Jackson for another big gain. And Gary Kubiak challenges? Uhhhh wwhaaaaaaaaaa?

That catch looked cleaner than Vegas (which is seriously, a remarkably clean city) at first. But give credit to the guy upstairs who saw the ball bobble at the last minute. Kubiak has been far from perfect this season, but he's 3 for 3 on challenges.

Meanwhile, the referees apparently forgot the ball was on the 33 instead of the 32. They look completely discombobulated. Then they TRIED to explain what happen...and why they placed the ball where they did. They'd probably have been better off calling a penalty and not explaining it like they did in the first half.

2:01 – Nearly 10 minutes later, we're finally back at play. Unfortunately, Brice McCain is not good. At all. He gets dusted by Smith on a crossing route...setting up Baltimore for a quick score.

New Drinking Rule: Every time Joseph/McCain struggle, and every time Jackson launches at someone, we drink.


I hate that about fantasy football. I also hate my team. "The Hernandez Pixy Stix" have set new scoring lows in each of the last two weeks. 0-3. Last place. 12 team league.

2:11 – Surprise, surprise. The Texans drive stalled. #Drink

2:18 – This is the part where the Texans line up offsides the rest of the game. Penalty number 10. Do we add this to the game too? This drinking game has quickly become more entertaining than the REAL game.

2:20 – The Texans are clearly teetering on the brink of disaster at this point...down 24-9 late in the third. But give the D credit for continuing to play. Joe Mays stuffed Bernard Pierce on third and short, and the Texans have a shot to claw their way back like they have the last two weeks.

2:23 – Andre Johnson appears to be out the rest of the game. But how about my guy Keshawn Martin? He seems to be finding his strength...underneath routes where he can speed by his cover man after the catch.

2:29 - And of course that happened. Schaub makes a pretty good throw on third and long that goes right through Martin's hands. Lechler makes a nice punt, but that could have been the last chance to get back in the game.

2:33 – Offsides. Drink.

2:37 – Another one.

2:45 – Field Goal. 27-9. Ball Game. F*ck a Duck

2:49 – The Texans are CLEARLY desperate to get back in this game. Down 3 scores? Oh, let's waltz up the line of scrimmage as slow as possible.

2:52 - In fact, let's waste 30 seconds before calling a timeout on 4th and 2, then somehow find a way to throw a pass short of the sticks AFTER that time out. Sound good? Ready, BREAK.

2:54 - Just when I thought this broadcast was unwatchable...we get this gem:


2:57 – "But Paul, why do you care? You're just a carpetbagging douche, bro."

True. But I did call a good 90% of the Ravens "ham sandwiches" through writing, on TV, and on the radio. And had to deal with tweets like this:


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