August 12, 2013

Game Day Diaries: Texans 27 - Vikings 13


Today marks a brand new day in the history of PaulGallant.Net - and the return of a fan favorite. Ladies and gentleman, I present the Game Day Diary. It includes some game breakdown, but more unfiltered strange thoughts that went through my head during each Texans game. Enjoy!

7:01 – If Joel Meyers is busy shitting out factual inaccuracies while sporting those hipster-glasses, imagine how bad he'd be calling the game with the naked eye. The NFL Preseason: where zero preparation and an endless onslaught of "Smoke Through Keyholes" makes you clamor for Pam Ward and Dan Dierdorf!

7:05 – Only with the Texans can you be catatonic with terror after a kickoff 7 yards deep into the end zone. Naturally, Joe Marciano's unit gets mud-butt and allows a 50 yard return right up the middle. Good thing he didn't get fired...because that would be mean.

7:08 – Must not compliment Shiloh Keo. Must not compliment Shiloh Keo. SHILOH KEO PICK. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

Oh, Christian Ponder threw a terrible pass, Daryl Sharpton wrecked him, Earl Mitchell may have gotten a piece of the ball, and it bounced off some receivers hands? That makes sense.

7:12 – Nothing gets me hard quite like seeing the Texans throw a pass short of the first down on third and long. It's like savoring a fine work of art...


...And then sending your child to remedial art summer classes because he does acid.

7:17 – The Texans should probably cut that lazy ass J.J. Watt fellah - who Joel Meyers probably thinks is playing tight end. Why? Because Earl Mitchell is going beast mode like a tank driven by an angsty 14 year old.



3 tackles for a loss. 1 Sack. And without the help of J.J. Watt and Antonio Smith. Glorious day.

7:19 – Roc Carmichael looks more lost than Antonio Cromartie in a Trojan commercial. Getting beat in coverage. Missing tackles. F.

7:22 – The Vikings Matt Asiata has a ponytail. Obviously...he's a completely stable human being.

7:29 – The T.J. Yates Story:



Pocket presence? Overrated. Accuracy? Forget about it. Signed Blaine Gabbert.

7:32 – For all the criticism Matt Schaub gets, you could always have Matt Cassell as a legitimate threat to be a starting QB. Yes, the same Matt Cassell who holds the ball longer than Tim Tebow in the pocket.

7:42 – Joel Meyers has successfully used those trendy glasses to:

- Confuse A.J. Bouye with Johnnathan Joseph (inactive)
- Confuse Andrew Shapiro with Shane Lechler (inactive)
- Confuse Brice McCain with Roc Carmichael
- Called Shiloh Keo - "Key-O"
- Make the technical difficulties an broadcasting upgrade

7:44 – Well that was pretty much the worst play ever. Let's be honest, a 61 yard catch and run by a 250 lb white guy can only happen in video games. Or as a result of horrendous tackling…first by Swearinger…then by Pleasant…with an assist by Carmichael!

The cherry on top? Spencer Tillman pointing out that this is an NFL game. This mediocre broadcast team had me thinking otherwise.

7:47 – The Texans attempt to be the first team to return a kick for a touchdown without blocking at all. Naturally, it was a total success! Time for a dramatic Paul Gallant re-enactment flashback:



7:58 – Holy Crap DeAndre Hopkins. Tie game at 10. Speaking of crap...an actual text exchange:


8:01 - TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

8:07 – TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

8:11 – Timing is everything. And you gotta love it when Spencer Tillman says "Joe Marciano is one of the best [coaches] in the business" after the refs throw two flags on the Texans for one special teams play.

8:17 – ZOMG TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!

8:20 – STILL TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!

8:24 – MORE FUCKING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!

8:33 – APPARENTLY BULLOCK MISSED A FIELD GOAL! SOURCES TELL ME IT WAS REALLY SHORT! ALSO...TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES!

8:50 – Fair catch inside the 10? That's a BAD DENNIS JOHNSON. A VERY BAD DENNIS JOHNSON.

8:54 – Sweet catch Lestar, you should always trust your facemask over your hands...



9:03 – I hate to admit this, because I LOVE trolling Coogs fans. But Case Keenum really looked good. Pocket awareness. Mobility. Throwing while running to his left. He had a good game, and could have had a better one if not for 2 drops by Jeff Maehl and another by Lestar Jean.

9:12 – Brahman got eaten up by blockers. Didn't matter. A CLAW SACK!





9:21 – Nothing quite like Spencer Tillman and Jamie Roots taking up the full screen to break down plastic bags while a game is going on...

Meanwhile, Mr. Roots says there's no advantage to watching your games at home. He's right, because there's nothing quite like:

- Buying season tickets for ~ 800 dollars, including 2 full priced shitbag pre-season games
- Wasting an hour looking for parking
- Paying $20 for said parking
- Paying another $20 for average food and beer
- Wasting another hour trying to get out of stadium
- Having to wear pants

9:22 – Keenum with a sexy little bootleg. And Lestar caught it for 6. GOOD LESTAR. GOOD.

9:36 – Zach Boren just tried to Rosen-Copter.



Yeah...don't do that.

That's it for the first Game Day Diary. It'll be back after next Saturday's game against the Dolphins.

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