October 18, 2012

Pauly's Week 7 Douchey Power Rankings

The Texans got their asses kicked. So who's number one in my latest douchey power rankings? Find out after the jump.

1.) Out Best > Your Best (4-2, +4)

I don't see many teams beating the G-Men healthy while in the playoffs.

2.) Pretenders (6-0, No Change)

Oh...you beat the AFC West, Panthers and Redskins? Congratu-Fucking-Lations. Here's a gold star. I'm looking forward to your 14-2 season ending in another playoff massacre.

3.) Pooped Our Pants (5-1, -2)

That secondary got whipped like a muel Sunday Night.

4.) And The Reason We Won't Win A Super Bowl Is.... (4-2, -2)

...Alex Smith.

5.) We're Baaaaaaaaaaack (3-3, +9)

And it's about damn time.

6.) King Douche (4-1, No Change)

What are the odds of Cutler having three good weeks in a row? Can't be high right?

7.) Titanic (5-1, -3)

Half the key contributors on an awful defense died this past week. Play 'em off!

8.) The French Army (3-3, No Change)

Though at least the French held strong for a good 20 minutes in WW1. This defense couldn't stop a team of quadriplegics.

9.) The Phillip Rivers Show (3-3, +4)

10.) Poodle Pete (4-2, +2)

He's still an awful and easily over-excited coach. Down doggie.

11.) Reality Check (4-2, No Change)

Unsurprised. Next.

12.) Bobby Brown Is "The Body Guard" (4-2, -5)

If Bobby Brown switched places with Kevin Costner in that crappy movie starring a coke-head, he'd STILL be more effective protection than Arizona's sieve O-Line.

13.) Save The Walrus! (3-3, -3)

And fire the best pal offensive line coach turned shitty defensive coordinator!

14.) Did We Just Lose To The Fucking Titans? (2-3, -5)


15.) Scar (2-3, +7)

Like everyone's favorite evil Disney Lion Scar, Detroit is embracing its bad boy nature. Whatever works?

16.) AVERAGE! (3-3, No Change)


17.) Home Sweet...Home? (3-3, +2)

Fun Fact: Washington hadn't won a home game since week 2 last year. That's a full 8 game slate.

18.) Fuckin' Norv (3-3, -3)

My stepbro says he looks like Admiral Ackbar. From the neck down I agree. 24 point lead? IT'S A TRAP!

19.) We Love Making Paul Look Bad (3-3, -1)

God that defense blows. Brandon Weeden? Get the fuck outta here.

20.) A Real Life Quarterback? Holy Shit! (3-3, No Change)

Tannehill looks good. Imagine if he had some good receivers?

21.) Who Didn't See That Drop Coming? (2-3, -4)

22.) We Have... (3-3, +2)

Mark Sanchez. Tim Tebow.

23.) ...Shitty Quarterbacks (3-3, +3)

Ryan Fitzpatrick.

24.) JUST LET IT SHINE (2-3, +1)

Soul Glo kicked him some ass. I gotta buy me some of that shit.

25.) You're SOOO Getting Sued (1-4, -2)

And you thought this was a TEAM of over-defensive self-righteous douches. What about their fans?

26.) Guess That Was A One Time Thing (2-3, -5)

It's a bad football team with their coach in the hospital.

27.) The Teams Below Us Are So Fucking Bad (2-4, +3)

And we beat the Steelers some how.

28.) Shitty Kitties (1-4, -1)


29.) Smelly Pirate Hookers (1-4, -1)

30.) The Best Week In Cleveland History (1-5, +2)


31.) Balogna Gabbert (1-4, No Change)

Shitty lunch meat. Shitty quarterback.

32.) And You Thought Matt Cassell Was Bad... (1-5, -4)

Enter Brady Quin. Y'all happy now?

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