October 4, 2012

Pauly's Week 5 Douchey Power Rankings

Who's number one in my latest power rankings? Will I go out of my way like some people to dodge the obvious? Take a look after the jump.

1.) Let's Unintentionally Murder Arian Foster! (4-0 +1)

Just when you thought I couldn't nitpick...I FOUND SOMETHING. Arian's on pace for close to a record amount of carries. That ain't good, especially when Ben Tate is perfectly capable of helping saddle the load.

2.) Still Haven't Played Anyone (4-0, +1)

This team annoys me. Matt Ryan is just as overrated as Asante Samuel and that softie defense. And all the Dirty Birds have done is beat up on the left-handed nose-picking douche-canoes of the poor the AFC West and Carolina Kitty Kats.

3.) Joey McNulty (3-1, +1)

Excuse me...Joey Flacco. But he's just as consistent as McNulty. Glimpses of greatness and ineptitude all in one package. Sounds like the kind of hero Baltimore is all about.

4.) Dirty Sanchez: The Cure For Any Dry Spell (3-1, +3)

If they had allowed ANY points to the Jets they'd have dropped in my rankings like a ton of bricks.

5.) Comeback Kolb - BAHAHA (4-0, +1)

Never thought I'd say that...

6.) Three Wins By Four Points (3-1, +4)

They'll be fine until Michael Vick dies, which you know is coming eventually. You just don't know when.

7.) Fuck It, It's Still September (2-2, -2)

And they've only lost two close games. The pass rush and dumb looking QB are a dangerous combo.

8.) And You Thought We Hated Refs Last Week (2-2, No Change)

Did you see the missed fumble call? Brutal. And the refs received a standing ovation before the game. How awesome is that? Gotta love seeing a publicly owned team get shafted.

9.) The Return Of King Douche (3-1, +2)

It's about fucking time that Mr. Cavallari got his ass in gear and got me some damn fantasy points...

10.) Thank God For Buffalo (2-2, -1)

They've got some serious issues. But with their schedule, they won't have to worry about 'em until the post-season.

11.) The Ginger Rifle (3-1, +3)

Defense is a disappointment as I mentioned last week. But Dalton plus Green, Gresham, little Andrew Hawkins and the Law Firm have molded into an explosive offense.

12.) Well Played Norv Turner (3-1, +4)

Three wins in September is probably his greatest start ever. But how will they underachieve from here? Because you know it's coming...

13.) Murderer's Row (2-2, +2)

I don't think they're very good, especially because of that awful defense. Still, they're 2-2 after going up against one of the toughest schedules in the league thus far. Another test Sunday with the Pats.

14.) Holy Fucking Fuck (3-1, +7)

Jacksonville and Indy blow - but beating the 49ers and Lions on the road in back to back weeks was pretty impressive.

15.)...Karma (2-2, -3)

They were due for some poop in the pants.

16.) 15 Years Of Mediocrity (2-2, -3)

How much longer will Jerry Jones seriously think he should be running the show in Dallas?

17.) Did We Jump Three Spots In A Bye Week? (1-2, +3)

Yup. This league is a mess.

18.) RG3 Is Everything His Defense Is Not (2-2, No Change)

He's the real deal. Just like that dumpster D.

19.) Balls (2-2, +10)

With Jeff Fisher leading the way, this team is headed in the right direction.

20.) [Russian] Jets (2-2, -2)

In Soviet Russia - Drunk Pilot fly YOU. Into the ground...

21.) Remember When We Signed Ryan Fitzpatrick To A $60 Million Contract (2-2, -2)


22.) The D Stands For Disappointment (1-3, -5)

Outside of the Saints, this has been the most surprising stinker in the NFL.

23.) The Real Cam Newton? (1-3, -1)

Remember when we heard the rumblings about Newton potentially being a bad leader? He seemed to disprove 'em last year. And then this happened. And this courtesy of Ed Werder. Cutler comparisons out the wazzoo.

24.) The Greg Norman Choke Artist Machine (1-3, -1)

That defense has blown two late leads - while Schiano's offense is beyond boring. NEXT.

25.) At Least They Tried - Gold Star!(0-4, +1)

This season has been a complete fucking disaster and is pretty much over. That said - they actually looked like the Saints offensively against Green Bay.

26.) Brian Hartline And A Bunch Of Stiffs (1-3, +4)

Brian Fucking Hartline had about 200,000 fantasy points last Sunday. And Ryan Tannehill looks like he won't be a complete fucking shit head a couple years down the road. They still stink...but things are looking up for Miami.

27.) Whoops... (1-3, -2)


28.) Ten Year Trainwreck (1-3, -1)


29.) How Bad Is The AFC South? (1-3, -1)

Well...at least you're the second best team in the division! And Chris Johnson is actually alive!

30.) Bad Like Andrew Luck's Face (1-2, +2)

If the Texans lose to any of these shithead teams I'll be shocked.

31.) Ga-Ga-Ga-Gabbert (1-3, -1)

Only Blaine Gabbert could manage under 200 yards passing against a horrendous defense down four corners to injury.

32.) Is There Anything Un-Terrible In Cleveland? (0-4, +1)


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