September 25, 2012

Pauly's Week 4 Douchey Power Rankings


The Texans have been fantastic through three weeks. Where do they stand in my latest power rankings? They answer may shock you.

1.) I AM YOUR GOD (96-0, +1,000,000)

THOU SHALT NOT REPLACE MY REPLACED-NESS BEFORE I FUCK EVERYTHING UP. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. K BYE.





2.) I've Run Out Of Negativity (3-0, No Change)

Matt Schaub has a disgusting looking left ear. And Derek Newton kind of sucks. But this is the most balanced team in the NFL. And it's the best team in the NFL.







3.) The AFC West Is Complete Horseshit (3-0, +1)

And that's all "Matty Ice" has played against thus far. Falcons are good, but they're still the same old A-T-L until they beat a real team. That won't happen until week 8.







4.) Hamsterdam (2-1, +2)

If not for the shitshow in Seattle, we'd still be talking about how terrible the referees were Sunday Night in Baltimore. They completely lost control. Personal fouls became legal. You could have gotten away with a stabbing. Anyone on this team familiar with that?

Oh and Joe Flacco didn't suck.

5.) Our QB Still Looks A Dumbass (2-1, +3)

So what does that make Carolina's Kitty Kat defense?








6.) Bull......shit? (3-0, +8)

The Seahawks win? It's Seattle. Beating the Pats? Flukish. But my opinion has changed after 'Zona throttled the Eagles. That defense makes them legit - no matter how mediocre Kevin Kolb is.



7.) Softo Hardo (2-1, -6)

They were the best team in the league last week. And then they were beaten by Christian fucking Ponder and a soft Minnesota team. The Vikes had nearly 150 yards rushing on football's best Run D. That can't happen again.


8.) There Is No God (1-2, -3)

So that happened. Bright side? You're the shield's best 1-2 team. YAY.







9.) There Is No God Part 2 (1-2, -2)

After a great first quarter, the Patriots secondary and pass rush were hot garbage in B'more. Still...there's no denying there were some shit-tastic calls at the most in-opportune moments for New England.


10.) 525,600 Turnovers (2-1, -7)

That song sucks more than Michael Vick in 2012. Which is saying something.





11.) King Douche (2-1, No Change)

Is killing my fantasy team with his bitchy attitude and suckitude on the field.






12.) BYAAAAAAAAAAAAA (2-1, +5)

A WIN IS A WIN. FUCK YOU OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER.





13.) Playing With The Boys (2-1, +2)

They may be 2-1. But the Cowboys - as usual - are completely overrated, just like that shitty movie Top Gun.









14.) Paul Gallant Vastly Overrated Our D (2-1, +2)

Whoops.









15.) ...They Might Really Suck (1-2, -5)

Their defense - specifically the secondary - is pretty bad. That being said they've played against three good teams thus far and lost the two roaders.



16.) Finally Realizing it's September (2-1, -7)

AND THE LORD SAID - SAN DIEGO SHALT BE BLESSED WITH TALENT UN-MATCHED BY MOST TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE. AND THEN NORV TURNER SHALT FUCK IT UP IN SEPTEMBER EVERY YEAR. SO SHALL IT BE WRITTEN...SO SHALL IT BE DONE.


17.) Music City Miracled (1-2, -5)

The end of their loss to Tennessee had without a doubt the strangest ending of probably any regular season game you'll ever see. And if not for the shitshow in Seattle - we'd probably still be talking about it. Still...Detroit sucks.





18.) Send Sanchez to the Phantom Zone!!! (2-1, No Change)

He's an abomination - like every single USC QB who ever played in the NFL. That being said, I'm glad





19.) Nobody Circles the Wagons [around shitty teams] Like... (2-1, +1)

The Jets, Chiefs, and especially Brownies are all awful. Let's see if they can put the Patriots in a major 1-3 hole.





20.) Did anyone tell you this team isn't very good? (1-2, -7)

[Raises hand]











21.) How the fuck do we have 2 wins? (2-1, +7)

Good question.











22.) So Much For Getting Better (1-2, No Change)

Geez that defense blows.






23.) Sexual Chocolate (1-2, -4)

Also killing my fantasy team - Josh Freeman - with another performance that made Sexual Chocolate seem entertaining.








24.) Just When I Thought They Were Done... (1-2, +12)

Had 'em in the playoffs. They proceeded to shit their pants the first two weeks. Then they beat the Saints on the road. N'Orleans has been awful this year. But in that awful division and with their defense, there MIGHT be a shot in hell.



25.) Kyle Shanahan is a Nutjob (1-2, -1)

But more importantly, the Redskins D's as bad as the offense is good.










26.) Legitimately Shocking (0-3, -3)

This team has less wins than most of the teams below. I'm at a loss for words. Sean Payton must be Vince Lombardi.









27.) The Autumn Windbreakers (1-2, +8)

These











28.) Lucky As Shit (1-2, +4)

Last








29.) Offensively Offensive (1-2, -8)

Seven








30.) Iced a Blocked Field Goal (1-2, -5)

Teams











31.) Blaine Gabbert Still Blows (1-2, +4)

Have









32.) But He Had That One Play... (1-2, -6)

No











33.) Brown Like Shit (0-3, -6)

Hope. Especially this team. This team is just beyond fucking bad.

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