September 18, 2012

Pauly's Week 3 Douchey Power Rankings

How about this league? There are only two undefeated teams left in the AFC. One of them is the fucking Chargers. And what happened to the once shitty NFC West? Check out the week 3 power rankings after the jump.

1.) Hard-Ass Hardos - (2-0, +2)

This defense is just nasty. Yet dumbass pass-first teams like the Lions and Packers continue to bang their heads against the wall trying to RUN THE BALL on the league's most physical team. Just idiotic. Side-note: Alex Smith? He's getting better. Helps to have ballers from Rand University.

2.) Meh - (2-0 +2)

Yeah...they're 2-0 and cruised through the first two weeks. Still...I'm not impressed. Ryan Tannehill is clueless at QB, and Savannah State could stop that incompetent non-talent Blaine Gabbert. The running game got in gear, but the offensive line is still shaky. Can they protect Matt Schaub from Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil Sunday? I'm not too confident.

3.) 200,000 Turnovers and 2 Wins - (2-0, +9)

The dog murdering douchebag has no business being on a 2-0 team. But despite 9 turnovers in 2 games, the Eagles are undefeated. Give em credit. They SHOULD NOT have beaten Baltimore giving the ball away 4 times. But hey-they did-and brought the definition of average quarterbacks back to our level. Golf claps.


They looked good in the first quarter, picking off Peyton Manning three times. But the offense was sloppy, foolishly committing to a mediocre running game, and let horse-face hang around long enough to eventually get back in the game. A couple weeks into this season, and that likely would've been a loss.

5.) Cutler'd - (1-1, No Change)

I forgot Jay Cutler was still capable of that. Haaaaaaaaa. It wasn't pretty from the Pack, but winners know how to win - see fake field goal on 4th and a mile - even if its a sloppy one on a short week of rest.

6.) Blame Game - (1-1, -5)

I get that the replacement refs are bad. But can these assholes JUST ONCE take some accountability? Hey League's best QB Flacco...the Eagles gave you the ball 4 times...and you barely completed 50% of your passes. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

7.) Identity Crisis - (1-1, -5)

The Patriots are suddenly obsessed with offensive balance. Newsflash: running the football ain't gonna work. Passing is your bread and butter, as is giving the ball to Wes Welker...not fucking JULIAN EDELMAN. Losing Aaron Hernandez is huge.

8.) That Dumb-Looking Clutch Mother Fucker - (1-1, +1)

I check the scoreboard early in the second half. Eli had thrown 3 picks and the G-Men were down 27-13. I checked the box score after the game, and Manning had thrown for 500+ with 3 TDs, and New York had won 41-34. FACKKKKKKKK.

9.) Sign of the Apocalypse - (2-0, +6)

This has got to be the first time EVER that the Norv Turner led Chargers have ONE win....let alone TWO in December. I'm flabbergasted.

10.) Manning Face - (1-1, -3)

Manning looked so fucking awful early with 3 first quarter picks. But there he was at the end of the game dragging Denver back into it. It's clear Horse-Face no longer has a cannon arm, but this guy just doesn't die.

11.) King Douche - (1-1, -3)

Shoulda seen that one coming.

12.) Handshook - (1-1, -1)

Losing to San Fran on the road is expected. But the Lions offense has looked more dead than Mufasa through two games.

13.) Marky-Mark is not Manning - (1-1, +1)

Solid bounce back. But don't get too excited. That Steeler D is not all its hyped to be.

14.) Wam. Bam. That Fucking Happened? - (2-0, +6)

Skelton and Kolb may make Larry Fitzgerald suicidal by the end of the year. But that defense is DAMN good. Shutting down New England is a home opener is no easy task.

15.) You Knew This Was Coming - (1-1, -9)

When I saw Dallas @ Seattle on the schedule, this was the first thing I thought of. Solid team effort in that 'Boys reenactment.

16.) Brandon Weeden's Bitch - (1-1, -3)

Jesus...this defense is looking worse and worse every day. At least I didn't pick the Chiefs to make the playoffs too. Oh wait...

17.) Skittles - (1-1, +6)

Marshawn Lynch bitches. GIVE THAT MAN HIS CANDY.

18.) Slaughtered by Sergeant Slaughter - (1-1, -1)

Most of this is on Sanchez. Because like all USC pro quarterbacks, he has no talent or balls. Still...offensive coordinator Sergeant Slaughter Sparano is completely incapable of making mid-game adjustments.

19.) We Don't Fuck Around...At Rutgers - (1-1, -1)

Great one half...completely fucking awful the next. At least they tried when the Giants were in the victory formation? I have no problem with Schiano telling his boys to try and make a play. But seriously...this worked 4 or 5 times at Rutgers? Yeah...I'm gonna to call bullshit.

20.) Ham Sandwich > Chiefs - (1-1, +2)

Kansas City sucks. Meanwhile...superstar Mario Williams is making $33 million per tackle. WOO WOO.

21.) Cajones - (1-1, +5)

A lot of people hate Cortland Finnegan. I love him. He got under a Redskin players' skin, causing a personal foul that forced DC to attempt a 62 yard field goal at the end of regulation. It didn't work. Blouses.

22.) Teething - (1-1, +2)

They're getting better. Meanwhile, New Orleans is a punching bag.

23.) Irrational Self-Defense Complex - Minus Defense - (0-2, -7)



24.) Shitting On Your Optimism - (1-1, -6)

RG3's comeback bid was shot down by an idiotic penalty. And now, Brian Orakpo and Adam Carriker are out for the season with injuries. WOOO.

25.) My Name's Reggie: I Fuck Kardashians. And Raiders - (1-1, +7)

The fact that the 'Phish jumped 7 spots shows how bad the teams below are.

26.) Luck[y they played the Vikings] - (1-1, +4)

Any secondary that makes Gabbert look good is fucking terrible.

27.) Paul Blake - (0-2, +4)

Brandon Weeden had a nice bounce back game. But I'm reading it more as Cincy's D sucking than anything else.

28.) How Good Can We Make Real QBs Look? - (1-1, -1)

Like this.


33.) Chris Johnson - (0-2, -9)

Bigger mistake - choosing Jake Locker as the regular season starter over Matt Hasselbeck...or giving Johnson that big a$$ extension?

34.) Darren McFadden - (0-2, -6)

Carson Palmer blows. But more importantly, so does Darren McFadden. He has like 50 yards on 25 carries. At least zombie Al Davis can't fuck shit up anymore??

35.) Blaine Gabbert - (0-2, -6)

I shit on that non-talent enough yesterday.

36.) Scott Pioli - (0-2, -15)


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