September 11, 2012

Pauly's Week 2 Douchey Power Rankings

The quarterbacks I love to hate looked good this past week. Oh yeah...and Peyton Manning's back. Power Rankings for week 2 after the jump.

1.) Fucking Flacco? (1-0, +6)

Joe Flacco is my favorite average QB. Because I love shitting on him. But I've got to admit, I was impressed by him last night. A painful confession. That no-huddle offense was making the Bengals look like rookie mode in Madden.

2.) The Hooded One and that Hot Man (1-0, No Change)

My future husband got a little nosebleed, largely thanks to a shaky O-Line. But the running game was EXISTENT, as was a FUCKING DEFENSE. They held Chris Johnson to 4 yards and 11 carries, and made plays. HUH?

3.) DAS BOOT (1-0, +2)

This is the most physical team in the NFL, and they proved it shutting down the Packers in their own house. Forget that for a moment. David Akers is a god damn beast. San Fran's sports a special-ed offense, but Akers can make a FG from anywhere. Including 63 yards.

4.) Meh. (1-0, No Change)

I left Reliant Stadium Sunday unimpressed. The Dolphins are a fucking abomination, yet they still annoyed the Texans for 25 minutes. Then the Phish promptly shit themselves. H-Town struggled against the run in the early going, and couldn't kick start their own ground game at all. Jags will challenge both areas on Sunday.

5.) Same juggernaut, Same shit (0-1, -4)

Against 99% of the teams in this league, the Packers can do whatever they want with that aerial attack. But when it comes to stopping anyone on defense...or running the football, they're fucked. The Niners and Giants have enough firepower to torch that secondary, and get to the discount double check.

6.) There's no way that actually happened (1-0, +5)

We all saw that game right? Like that wasn't some sort of dream. Dallas had a two touchdown lead...on the road...against the defending Super Bowl the waning moments of a game. And we were all waiting for the 'Boys to completely melt down. And...they didn't? We all know how talented this team is - they've just never been able to close out big time opponents. Maybe this is a start.


I'm terrified of horse-face. He looked fantastic for a guy who's basically Nearly Headless Nick.

8.) King Douche (1-0, No Change)

You gotta love Mr. Cavallari calling out the Packers secondary.

9.) We don't give a shit until week 12 (0-1, -8)

Still...Dallas? Really?

10.) Bullshit (1-0, +6)

Matt Ryan? Please. Do it outside the dome bro.

11.) Umm...Panic Button? (1-0, -1)

St. Louis shouldn't EVER stop this offense.

12.) FOR REAL BRO. PANIC BUTTON. (1-0, -6)

You have the league's fastest running back. So why the fuck do you throw 75% of your plays? Especially when Vick is shitting his pants?

13.) Flacco Factored (0-1, -1)

Who the fuck saw that coming?

14.) Manning'd (0-1, No Change)

Ben Roethlisberger choked with a chance to lead Pitt down the field. You don't see that often.

15.) Lindsay Lohan (1-0, No Change)

Another sloppy game against a bad team where their talent allowed them to outlast the opposition.

16.) Defense Optional (0-1, -7)

As long as they have Drew Brees and that ridiculous offense they'll be fine. But Washington had no business beating them week 1. RG3 is going to be a good player, but holy allow that in his first pro start is a complete joke.

17.) Shut the Fuck Up (1-0, +3)

Did the Jets beat any real football teams Sunday? Is Mark Sanchez still the starting quarterback? Rhetorical questions. Anyone who's making a mountain out of that molehill in Joisey, take note of the above.

18.) MORE ENDORSEMENTS!!! (1-0, +7)

I've never seen a rookie with as many endorsements as RG3. After that HOLY FUCKING SHIT performance in the Superdome, he probably has more. And his own fucking meme. The Redskins could actually be relevant

19.) Soul Glo (1-0, +3)

I'm a big fan of Josh Freeman...but this guy needs to grow a pair and throw the ball downfield. Soul Glo went all "Captain Checkdown" when he has Vincent Jackson and Mike Williams going up against a horrendous Carolina D. Gotta do better.

20.) We Hate Larry Fitzgerald (1-0, No Change)
John Skelton. Kevin Kolb. It doesn't matter who starts at QB for this team, because they'll A.) Suck and B.) Overthrow Fitzie every fucking play. I NEED FANTASY POINTS BITCHES.

21.) Matt Cassel's Fault (0-1, -3)

Atlanta murdered them, which is funny, because statistically, this game was pretty even. Oh...Matt Cassel threw 2 picks and lost a fumble? Ball game.

22.) The New York Mets (0-1, -5)

What a disaster. Buffalo has been this way for nearly 15 years...

23.) DeMarcus Ware is going to murder our QB (0-1, No Change)

It's a good thing Russell Wilson can move, because he EASILY could have been sacked 30 times against the Cardinals. He WILL get sacked 300,000 times by Dallas and DeMarcus Ware.

24.) RIP Chris Johnson (0-1, -5)

11 carries. 4 yards. Against last year's worst ranked defense. Bahaha.

25.) Free Cam Newton (0-1, -1)

Cam Newton has no one of value surrounding him on this team.

26.) Big Boy Pants (0-1, +4)

They've been hopeless for what seems like forever. But against the Lions, the Rams showed signs of life. I like the direction this team's going with Jeff Fisher

27.) HE'S ALIVE (1-0, +2)

Adrian Peterson looked good not even a year removed from a torn up knee. That being said...this team is 1-0 after 1.) beating a team with Blaine Gabbert at QB and 2.) allowing Blaine Gabbert to look competent.

28.) Special-Ed Special Teams (0-1, -2)

The Raiders are such an abomination. Carson Palmer remains terrible, and Darren McFadden is the only weapon Oakland has. That's because the Raiders' two best players - punter Shane Lechler and kicker Sebastian Janikowski - are now irrelevant because of the league's shittiest backup long snapper being thrust into a full-time role.

29.) Blainey is still Blainey (0-1, -1)

Minnesota has the worst secondary in the league. I'm not believing in that catatonic child's ability until he plays well against a real defense.

30.) Shoulda taken RG3... (0-1, -3)

Just kidding. Luck has no defense around him. The Colts are going to suck...simmer down your year one expecatations.

31.) Hahaha...Brandon Weeden (0-1, No Change)

Watch this video. Then check Brandon's stat line: He was 12-37 for 118 yard, tossing 4 picks and fumbling. His QB rating? 5.1 - probably the worst ever. Rookies typically have time to grow. But Brandon is like 58. Poor Cleveland.


32.) Nick Barnett Thinks We're Good (0-1, No Change)

 Nick was in denial after the Texans game Sunday. But the Phish only needed 5 minutes to completely shit themselves and let the Texans cakewalk away with a win.

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