September 4, 2012

Pauly's Douchey Power Rankings and Predictions


Can you believe the NFL kicks off tomorrow? Holy shit. Time to check out my inaugural douchey power rankings and pre-season predictions.

1.) Dumbass and the Defensive Line

They stay on top until they lose. It drives me NUTS that a quarterback who looks like THIS is the most clutch man under center in the league. And it's unfair to have that much depth at pass rusher. Brutal schedule, but they'll be lingering like they always seem to do come January.


2.) The Epic Failure

With that passing game, this team had no business being stopped in the playoffs last season. The Giants are the achilles heel for offenses like Green Bay, but if they can avoid NY in the post-season, expect the Pack to bring home the Lombardi.


3.) Sexyy Man and The Hooded One

Like the Packers, the offense is unstoppable (except against the Giants). And like the Packers, the defense may be shaky. The biggest concern? whether new left tackle Nate Solder can keep Brady alive for a full season.

4.) Lord have fucking MERCY

Barring injury, this team is the most balanced in the NFL. That being said, Texans fans should be terrified of injuries, not to mention the potential disaster on the right side of the offensive line. The X factor is how this secondary fares going up against REAL Qbs (Manning, Rodgers, Cutler, Stafford, and my man Tom Brady).


5.) Hardo Harbaugh

Arguably the most physical team in the league. And arguably the best team with a shitty QB. The odds of Jim Harbaugh going through an ENTIRE season without having an Alex Smith induced aneurysm are zero.


6.) Michael Vick's Tomb

As talented as this team is, their season rests entirely on the health of Michael Vick. And let's face it, it seems like he's dead in about 6 games per season. They start here...but expect them to plummet as the season progresses.


7.) The Squawkers

This team always talks the talk, and never walks the walk. I dont get why they get the praise they do, especially when they have an average QB, and aging defense who'll be without Terrell Suggs.


8.) King Douche's Men

It's about time the Bears had an explosive offense. Jay Cutler is in for a MONSTER year, now that he has old hookup Brandon Marshall and HOSS Alshon Jeffery as his wideouts. Only question is if that O-Line improves AT ALL.


9.) The Conspiracy Theorists

If I hear one more Saint bitch and moan about how the world is out to get them, I'm going be fucking mad - and will tweet angrily about it. That defense will suck, but like New England and Green Bay, they have the offensive firepower to blow away any team they face. Does anyone seriously think the Falcons, Panthers, or Bucs can even remotely faze this team? You shouldn't. It won't be pretty, but they'll be back in the playoffs.

10.) Criminals

I don't know if this team is more idiotic on or off the field. Half the team is in jail, while the other half gets penalized for 100 yards a game. Matt Stafford, Calvin Johnson, and the defensive front four are frightening. But stupidity will continue to hold these dumbasses back.


11.) Irrelevant since '96

Unbelievably talented. Unbelievably inconsistent. Case and point: Tony Romo. Statistical beast. But when crunch time rears its ugly head, Romo and the rest of the 'Boys have perfected the art of choking. If things change by some act of god, they have a shot at doing some damage. Bahaha...yeah right. They'll find a way to hang around...until January. Then? SEE YA.

12.) More Criminals

They too have had their fair share of convicts. But don't sleep on the Bengals, who will creep up on the Steelers and shank 'em out of the playoffs. Andy Dalton and AJ Green in year two, plus an underrated defense run by D.C. Mike Zimmer spell Wild Card for Cincy.


13.) Horseface and the Horsies

If healthy, Manning could turn a Pinto into a Ferrari. Eric Decker and DeMaryius Thomas could look like Ed McCaffrey and Rod Smith with number 18 aboard. But is he healthy? Not sure I buy that yet. Just like I don't buy into the Broncos defense.

14.) Rapelisberger

SELL ALL YOUR STOCKS. With crazy man Todd Haley the new offensive coordinator trying to make the pass happy Steelers run (with their best RB coming off a knee injury), Mike Wallace missing the whole pre-season (and unable to pick up that new playbook),, a shit-tastic disaster of an offensive line, and an aging defense that got beat by Tim Tebow in the playoffs? The Steelers WILL miss the playoffs in 2012.


15.) Lindsay Lohan

If the Chargers were a celebrity, they'd be that crazy bitch. Unbelievably sexy (in her prime). Pretty good actress. Yet somehow (drugs, drugs, and drugs), she's found ways to submarine her career into the bowels of hell.


16.) The world's most undeserved nickname

Why is Matt Ryan nicknamed "Matty-Ice"? Is he shitty, tasteless, and the only thing you can afford? He's a very average QB, despite having a ridiculous arsenal to work with. Everyone seems really high on Atlanta going into this season. I'm not. They've teased us in the past, only to be completely pathetic in the last two playoffs.


17.) Toronto

Remember when the Bills were good? Yeah that was actually last year, until they resigned Ryan Fitzpatrick to a ridiculous contract extension...and then this happened. Mario Williams and Mark Anderson give Buffalo a great pass rush...and a fighting chance against New England.


18.) ????????????????????????????

I really have no idea what to expect out of the Chiefs. Jamaal Charles is back. Will he be effective? Can Matt Cassell be a decent game manager? Was their win over the Packers an anomaly? The AFC West is wide open, and with that defense, the Chiefs definitely have a chance to challenge Peyton Manning.


19.) Chris Johnson's Twitter Account

Just like you can't expect to see number 28 tweet anything that's actually intelligible, you can't expect the Titans to do anything other than start 0-4. That opening schedule (Patriots, @ Chargers, Lions, @Texans) plus a second year QB is a recipe for disaster.


20.) Baby Jesus and The Clown Car

Whether they start the hopelessly inept Mark Sanchez, or demi-god Tim Tebow, this offense may be one of the most hopeless in the entire NFL. I'm looking forward to watching this douchebag team go Hindenberg in 2012.

21.) Fitz plus Shits

Larry Fitzgerald is pretty damn good. So is Patrick Peterson. Everyone else? Trash. Especially Kevin Kolb, who is somehow the backup to John Skelton. How big a disaster was that trade? Just....stupid.



22.) Soul Glo

I love Josh Freeman's hair. And I now love the weapons he has to work with. Picking up Vincent Jackson to pair with Mike Williams? Smart. Freeman will have a bounce back year after a rough 2011. Here's my biggest question: why the fuck would you hire the coach of Rutgers as your head man? Makes no sense to me.



23.) Vancouver RoughRiders

They ditched the Arena-League unis for a Canadian Football League look. Depending on how rookie Russell Wilson plays, they could be 2012's "Pain in the Ass" team.

24.) The Sieve

Cam Newton is a beast, and they have three good running backs. That defense though? Hot garbage. LB Luke Kuechly was a great draft pick, but the kitty-kats are still a couple of years away from being a player in this league.


25.) Irrational Decisions

I like Robert Griffin III. But is he worth three first rounders and a second? Especially on a team that doesn't have many offensive weapons...let alone an offensive line. PS - How the fuck did these guys beat the Giants twice last season?





26.) Even More Irrational Decisions


The Raiders are such a fucking joke. I mean...Al Davis fucking died, and they STILL made asses of themselves by trading their entire draft for Carson Palmer...who like most USC quarterbacks, isn't good. If this team even wants to annoy the competition this season, they'll need Darren McFadden to actually be healthy for 16.



27.) At Least we have a QB...

The Colts defense was completely fucking awful last season. Did Indy address it in the draft? Nope. But there's reason to be optimistic, because the future looks bright with Andrew Luck at QB. It's foolish to get excited over preseason games, but that guy looked like a veteran. Still...that future is probably a ways away....because the rest of this team is pretty bad. But hey...at least you aren't Jacksonville...


28.) 'Cause we sure as fuck don't.

Everyone seems to think Blaine Gabbert has finally grown a pair of balls. False. He got all cutesy after his second PRESEASON game, acting as though he'd proven all his critics wrong by beating vanilla defensive schemes from the Saints. You can bet that when the season rolls around, he'll be back in the fetal position whenever he feels pressure.

29.) Even Our Stadium Sucks

The Vikings are going to be AWFUL. Sure they have Jared Allen. That's it. They may have the league's worst secondary, which is FANTASTIC NEWS when you go up against Rodgers, Stafford, and Cutler twice a year. Oh yeah...Adrian Peterson? Their best offensive player? Don't expect too much in his first year back from a torn knee. Also...Percy Harvin is apparently a douchebag. It'll be another rough year for second year Christian Ponder.


30.) Moustache and Mullets

The good news? Jeff Fisher is aboard, and since the Redskins are desperate to stop sucking, St. Louis owns every Washington pick until 2136. The bad news? Everything else. Sam Bradford might be a talented QB, but he's a china doll. You can't win unless you have your guy under center every Sunday.


31.) Dawg-Shit

I don't care how good Trent Richardson theoretically could be. The Browns are the definition of blehhhh offensively. They have no firepower. And to put your future in the hands of a 200 year old rookie like Brandon Weeden? What the fuck is this...Necessary Roughness? Have fun in the North kiddoes.


32.) Evelyn Lozada

Just like Chad Ochocinco dropped a beatdown on his ex-wife, expect the Dolphins to get head-butted game in and game out. You have a rookie at quarterback. So why the fuck aren't you giving him weapons to work with? Just idiotic. If Hard Knocks has taught us anything, it's that this team is operating without any confidence whatsoever.



TIME FOR RUSHED HALF-ASS PREDICTIONS...BYAAA

AFC EAST
1.) New England Patriots
2.) Buffalo Bills
3.) New York Jets
4.) Miami Dolphins

AFC NORTH
1.) Baltimore Ravens
2.) Cincinnati Bengals
3.) Pittsburgh Steelers
4.) Cleveland Browns

AFC SOUTH
1.) Houston Texans
2.) Tennessee Titans
3.) Jacksonville Jaguars
4.) Indianapolis Colts

AFC WEST
1.) Denver Broncos
2.) Kansas City Chiefs
3.) San Diego Chargers
4.) Oakland Raiders

NFC EAST

1.) New York Giants
2.) Philadelphia Eagles
3.) Dallas Cowboys
4.) Washington Redskins

NFC NORTH
1.) Green Bay Packers
2.) Chicago Bears
3.) Detroit Lions
4.) Minnesota Vikings

NFC SOUTH
1.) New Orleans Saints
2.) Atlanta Falcons
3.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4.) Carolina Panthers

NFC WEST
1.) San Francisco 49ers
2.) Seattle Seahawks
3.) Arizona Cardinals
4.) St. Louis Rams



AFC WILD CARD
(3) Texans 19 - (6) Chiefs 10
(4) Broncos 28 - (5) Bengals 20

NFC WILD CARD
(3) Giants 20 - (6) Eagles 7
(5) Bears 31 - (4) Saints 24

AFC DIVISIONAL
(1) Patriots 35 - (4) Broncos 20
(3) Texans 20 - (2) Ravens 17

NFC DIVISIONAL
(1) Packers - 42 (5) Bears 38
(2) 49ers 17 - (3) Giants 13

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
(1) Patriots 33 - (3) Texans 24

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
(1) Packers 28 - (2) 49ers 17

SUPER BOWL
Packers 30 - Patriots 2, and then I'm going to fucking cry.

MVP - Drew Brees, QB, Saints

DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR - Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, Giants

COACH OF THE YEAR - Mike McCarthy, Packers

OFFENSIVE ROOKIE OF YEAR - Andrew Luck, QB, Colts

DEFENSIVE ROOKIE OF YEAR - Luke Kuechly, LB, Panthers

LETS DO THIS BITCH.


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