September 17, 2012

Game Day Diary: Snoozer Edition - Texans 27 - Jaguars 7


Is it just me, or have the first two Texans games been really boring? Seriously...I feel as if I've been watching UT open up the season with cupcakes like Savannah State - for two straight weeks. I'll be honest, it's been tough to pay attention for an entire 60 minutes, especially with an Xbox 360 and Madden 13 an arm length away. Game Day Diaries makes its triumphant return!

12:02 – Jacksonville goes Sandusky-Valley on us with their pre-game chant. "WE ARE. JAGUARS." Sorry bros...you are not an endangered species of kitty-cats. This is a more accurate depiction of what "YOU ARE":


I'd have used a picture of a Jaguars fan with a mullet. But based off of the 16 Jags' parents in attendance for the game, that would involve a lot of internets.

12:11 - The Texans looked very good on the opening drive of the game. They marched down the field, using play action and the two-headed monster of Foster and Tate to push all the way to the Jags 13.

And then it stalled. Here's why.

First Foster dropped a screen pass on second down. On third and 8, Matt Schaub lasered a 4 yard ball to Kevin Walter (which he dropped) and the drive was over. Texans kick a field goal to take an early 3-0 lead.

I want to shrug and say...ehhh...these things happen. And they can happen when your team is going up against awful QBs - Hi Blaine Gabbert. Still - if the Texans want to beat the big boys, the red zone CANNOT be a brick wall.

12:22 – Speaking of Blainey...I wasn't sold on his week 1 performance. And I was right. He was garbage, as you'll continue to read in this post. Meanwhile, JJ "Swat" is doing everything he can to make that lame nickname reality - knocking an early Gabbert pass down.

12:26 - Texans get the ball back. But not for long. The Jaguars play aggressive, putting a lot of pressure on the interior of the Texans O Line. Wade Smith was shaky. Antoine Caldwell? He looked bad. More on him later. 3 and out.

12:32 – Blaine Gabbert. HA.

12:44 - Texans methodically move down the field and punch it in on the heels of Arian Foster. Two thoughts:

First off, I'm a total fucking idiot for benching Ben Tate in my fantasy football league, especially in favor of Johnathan Dwyer. Yeah I actually did that. And I was super pissed when Tate ran that one play down the right sideline for 6 (which eventually was over-turned). But there is NOTHING worse than having your fantasy running back power a team down the field, only to get benched for a vulture on the goal line.

Secondly, Antoine Caldwell was not in at all at right guard on that drive. In his place was rookie center Ben Jones, who I didn't notice until he was lying on the ground while Foster pranced into the end zone for an easy score. Is this a sign of things to come at right guard? Backup RG Brandon Brooks was inactive for the second straight week.

12:52 - Ryan Leaf > Blaine Gabbert - Take 1,014

You all know how much I hate Blaine Gabbert's game. Because it's pathetic. But I also hate his mentality.

Case in point: JJ Watt gets his second swat of the game. And apparently has stolen the Dikembe Mutombo dance. Copyright infringement, but whatever.

Here's what's important. Apparently, Gabbert told Rich Gannon before the game that he wasn't worried about Watt's 3 swats. Not only is he incompetent, untalented, and is probably terrified of yorkie-poos, he apparently lives in a fucking cave on Dagobah with Frank Oz. Because that's just asinine.

The very next play, Gabbert completely shits his pants with no pass rush and fires an incompletion. He has -1 passing yards right now. I can't make this shit up.

12:55 - Texans go three and out, and Antoine Caldwell's rough day continued. Luckily for H-Town, Donnie Jones has a fucking hammer for a foot. He had two 55+ yarders and averaged nearly 50 yards a punt. Hot. Diggity.

1:08 - Arian Foster has sucked thus far. But Ben Tate? He has not, and is forcing me to punch myself repeatedly in the face for leaving him on my fantasy bench. Tate has 50 yards on 8 carries to this point...including an 8 yard scamper to make it 17-0.

1:24 – Blaine has been awful, but his receivers aren't helping. Lots of dropped balls. Still...Rob Fucking Johnson could come in here and give the Jaguars hope.

1:25 - Gabbert gets sacked. Jacksonville now has -10 passing yards. I'm too lazy to even make a fucking joke...

1:37 – Texans up 17-0 at halftime. What a boring game.

1:52 – Quick 3 and out for Jaguars, and surprise surprise, Blaine Gabbert looks THIS lost.



1:57 – The Texans aren't looking much better though. They go 3 and out, thanks in large part to a false start, Foster running for -1 yards and catching for -6, and a third down "ahh fuck it...Blaine Gabbert is their QB" run.

2:02 – Today's "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK" moment brought to you by me.

First off...Blaine Gabbert completed a pass. Downfield. More than 10 yards. In fact they got all the way inside the 10. Then...Gabbert threw a TD Pass? With beautiful touch? HUHHHHHH?

Blaine Gabbert with a throw downfield? What? Joseph beat by Robinson
AND THEN HE THREW FOR A TOUCHDOWN? HOLY SHIT. THIS MIGHT BE A GAME.

2:06 – Texans should go three and out after a bad pass to Andre Johnson on third down. The Jags actually have a chance to get back in this game!

2:07 - Oh wait...just kidding. Jacksonville jumped offsides on this one, completely killing themselves in the process.

2:15 – That offsides allowed the Texans to go on a 17 play, 9:04, 80 yard "Shut the Fuck Up" touchdown drive. Ben Tate deserves the credit, punching it into paydirt AND with a great catch and run out of nothing on an other third down. Game Blouses.

2:24 – Another muff because Glover Quin ran into Holliday...one right before halftime when it was pouring too

2:38 – Gabbert is just so terrible. He gets sacked, then on third and - well let's face it, Blaine Gabbert is QB so let's say IMPOSSIBLE - he throws the ball...to ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. This is actually an NFL Game. Wow.

2:39 - Chad Henne warming up. I'm out.

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