August 14, 2012

The South: Where Losers Are Celebrated

I don't get you Southerners. Or Texans. Nope. Not at all. Nor do I understand why some folks who grew up South of the Mason-Dixon line pop boners at the at the mere sight of a Confederate flag.

And that's fine. But it's also funny. Here's why:

I was at the grocery store in the AM. Sporting a douchey T-Shirt topped off with a Red Sox cap. And while checking out in the express line, I hear this nugget.

"Another Damn Yankee. Hmphh."

First off I'm wearing a Red Sox hat. That's fucking blasphemy bro. But the guy wasn't done.

"First, the war of Northern Aggression," he continued. "Next, they're moving down here to live with us. Ya'll Yankees are all over the place."

I turned around to see the toothless fellow, whose grocery list basically comprised of treats from Little Debbie. And I responded with this.

"ehhh...I'm a Northern Conqueror. Bro."

He shook his head and started muttering to himself. The words carpetbagger, scalawag, and yankee were all used.

I'm not sure if any of those are supposed to insult me. I take them as signs of an inferiority complex. And being the douche I am, I totally loved it.

That being said, it's time for a historically based rant.

"War of Northern Aggression". Child Please. Forget the fact that the South had absolutely no way of maintaining itself since all the industrial centers of the US were in the Northeast. Hell, forget that you STARTED THE FUCKING WAR at Fort Sumter. Your lazy people made black slaves do all the work. If anyone deserved an ass-kicking, it was you.

Here's what I don't get. The South lost the war. So why do some people cling to the image of that stupid fucking flag as some historical treasure? It doesn't symbolize anything except losing. Coming in second. Being a joke.

Basically you're this: Proud Cubs fans. Embarrassing.

If you're a Texan, then cool. You have the Alamo. You kicked Santa Anna's ass. Sure you were sort of "involved" in the Civil War. But why stoop yourself down to the level of the dumbasses East of you by celebrating a a big time defeat?

Here's the answer. Don't. The End.

1 comment:

  1. What grocery store was this? I don't see these kinds of imbeciles unless I'm wayyy north or far east of Houston. -Rachael