August 21, 2012

Game Day Diary 2: Texans 20 49ers 9


A tad late on this one. I blame it on trying to write an article in two sittings. Especially when you return to finish things...only to find out that everything you had written didn't save. CURSE YOU INTERNET.

Anyway...the Texans topped the 49ers in their second pre-season game. In this edition of Game Day Diary, we'll take an in depth look at Hardo Harbaugh, laugh at Captain Cliche Tillman, and discuss the little person who earned himself a roster spot with one play Saturday. All that after the jump.

7:06 – The game hasn’t even started and Jim Harbaugh looks like he’s shitting bricks. Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a hardo quite like Harbaugh. Bro...it's a fucking preseason game. If this is the way you're going to react to a bad brand of fake-life football with replacement refs that couldn't find their dicks with their pants down, then god help you when the regular season starts.

7:08 – Spencer Tillman was in rare form against the 49ers, spitting out cliches like Randy Cross on crack. And it's not even like these are real cliches. This are non-sensical one-liners that Gary Busey might pull out of his ass. I'm convinced Tillman never has any idea of what he's fucking saying. Let's examine:

"Hardhat and a lunch-pail"/"Apple and a road map" - Tillman uses these two to describe anyone who could potentially be cut. Because apparently, if you're cut from the NFL, you're doomed to becoming a construction worker or going on a scavenger hunt. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

"Playing with integrity" - Ole Spency clearly thinks that integrity is "physical toughness". I'll let him have this one.

"Smoke through a keyhole" - Tillman uses this to describe anything he finds "neat". Which happens a lot. Too bad the correct use of this term is explaining something you can see coming. Ironically, this can be correctly done EVERY SINGLE TIME Tillsters is about to say "smoke through a keyhole." Oh...words...

7:10 – Tough to find a lot to nitpick out of rookie wide receiver Keshawn Martin. He's just quick. And he runs routes like a veteran. Seriously. I'm not one to gush over players, but this guy is just a smooth, crisp route runner. He could be a fantastic slot receiver in this league.

7:20 – The Texans pass rush is picking up right where it left off against Carolina, tossing Alex Smith around like a rag doll. Meanwhile, Hardo Harbaugh is flipping a fucking shit. Dropping Bill Cowher faces like it's every important playoff game his Steelers played before 2006. Which were mostly losses. RELAX BRO.

7:35 – Mack trucks like Brandon Jacobs are complete terrors on the field. 270 lb running backs? Jesus Christ. Question his mentality all you want, but that guy in the secondary is like Godzilla in Tokyo. Kareem Jackson did the only real thing you can do...dove at his legs and prayed. It worked...and surprise! Jacobs fucked up his knee. Wow.

7:40 – Speaking of wow...how pathetic was it when Glover Quin dropped that pick thrown right to him? Seriously...pretty sure it doesn't get any easier to make a catch than that. This coming from a flag-football legend.

7:50 – By the way...we aren't playing flag football. Someone should probably tell the Texans, who are giving Kendall Hunter the Greg Robinson patented yakkidy-saks tackle treatment.

7:52 - Luckily, a holding call brings one back. CUE SHOT HARDO HARBAUGH.

Drinking game. Take a shot every time Harbaugh mouths “what happened?”. Which is every five seconds. You will die.

7:56 – Madden-esque moment! Schaub bombs one to Andre Johnson on a bootleg. Not the best throw in the world, but Johnson jumps back over two defenders to make the snag for a long gain. When healthy, he's still a top 5 receiver.

8:11 – 49ers check in backup defenders...Meanwhile, the Texans keep their starters in. Someone seems a little pissed that their first teamers have yet to taste the end zone this pre-season...

8:13 – James Casey makes a fantastic catch on third and short…dives on underthrow…gets up…then gets the first down

8:23 - I already harped on Keshawn Martin. Time to stroke Lestar Jean, who goes beast mode [against 49ers backups] towards the end of the first half. Schaub finds him and moves the chains twice on third down, then hits him up for a touchdown (also on third). The TD was particularly impressive, as Lestar used his size to fight an extra three yards and into the end zone.

HALFTIME MOTHA FUCKAS. TIME FOR SOME CHICKEN TENDERS.

8:45 - Another pre-season hero who's looked damn good in situational play has been Tim Dobbins. Put this guy on the field in 3rd or 4th and short situations, and he's sure to make a stop for no gain or a loss. Here, he makes a tackle on a pass to a 49er fullback in the flats. Bravo.

8:58
– These replacement refs are scared shitless. Keshawn Martin gets mauled on a go route RIGHT IN FRONT OF A FUCKING ZEBRA. He's too scared to make a call, but a ref on the complete other side of the field throws a flag. #FreeTheRealRefs #FreeEdHochuli

9:09 – It's "smoke through a keyhole" that Alan Ball's ass is getting cut. Which means he's going to get a "lunchpail and an apple". Or a "road map and a hard hat". Seriously. This guy is getting toasted like it's Quizno's in this bitch. Gotta get that chipotle sauce. What?

Oh yeah...Alan Ball sucks. Luckily for him, so does Josh Johnson, who easily could have had three touchdown passes to AJ Jenkins who blew by Alan ball on three of four plays. Bad job.

9:17 – TJ Yates can't be gaining any confidence with the abuse he's taking. But it could mostly be self-averted. Yates TWICE gets wrecked after failing to read A-gap blitzes. You ain't a rookie any more son.

9:30 – Trindon Holliday...welcome to the team. Nice punt return brah.

9:42 – The broadcast zooms in on some loon wearing a Case Keenum jersey. Cultist. I get that UH people love him. But come on...this guy is a reach to make the roster. "Case" in point? The one pass to DeVier Posey all night is 30 feet away from him. HA. I made a funny.

God pre-season games get boring quick. We're done here. SEE YA.

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