April 28, 2011

NFL "Mock" Mock Draft Part 2

Part 1 is in the books. Here's part 2. Lots of fictional players still on the board. Believe it or not, two non-humans were drafted this round! Check it out!

11.) Houston Texans

Anyone who has ever kicked for Florida State - K - Florida State

Anyone who has paid attention to the Texans over the past few years knows this: They have a great offense. And they are the biggest choke-artists in the NFL. PLENTY of examples over the past few years. I'm too lazy to give out every example. Just know this: The first thing that comes up in the search for "choke artist" on urban dictionary are the Houston Texans. Not surprising given the towns past experience with choking NFL teams. They've got this choke artist thing locked down. So why not draft a Florida State kicker? Kris Brown might actually make a field goal here or there (on Dallas now, but missed two game tying kicks in 09). FSU kickers? Hell no. Fact. Sorry Sebastian.

12.) Minnesota Vikings

A new freaking roof - Roof - Anywhere

Was the Viking roof collapsing the most embarrassing thing to happen to any NFL team all season? Including the Carolina Panthers showing up for any of their games? I'd say it is. Bro. Your stadium is in freaking Minnesota. That's practically Canada. Hell, it is Canada. You think the parachute that little kids play with is gonna hold up a couple ice bergs? Come on man.

PS: Dear Carrier Dome. This will happen to you.

13.) Detroit Lions

Julio Jones - WR - Alabama

Remember the good old days? When Matt Millen and the Lions used a top 3 pick on a Wide Receiver every single year? And then it would come back to bite them in the ass immediately? Remember no more! Jones might be a success in the NFL, but he's much more likely to be a high profile bust than A.J. Green. He plays like T.O. (again, not a toolbag like T.O.). But that means he drops passes like T.O.. Detroit must be breathing easy knowing Millen is long gone. Pretty amazing he got a broadcasting job out of piledriving an NFL franchise 2,000 feet underground.

14.) St. Louis Rams

The Dolorean - Time Machine

Remember the good old days when the Rams had a top two pick for three straight years? Of course you do because it only ended last year. One of those (Sam Bradford) seems to have panned out. Unfortunately, 2008 number two Chris Long has not nearly been the beast everyone thought he was, and 2009 number two Jason Smith has closely resembled number 2. That's why the Rams need to go back in time and change those picks! Get Chris Johnson in '08. Percy Harvin in '09. BOOM. The Greatest Show on Turf Part Deux. Who cares about the whole "fucking up the space time continuum thing?"

PS - That was by far the lamest pick. Sorry.

15.) Jacksonville Jaguars

Janoris Jenkins - CB - Florida

Jacksonville, much to the chagrin of the worlds only two Jaguar fans (Dominic Marino and Scott Grodsky) has made an art form out of drafting Florida Gators who turn into major busts. And that is saying something, considering the huge list of Gators who have busted in the pros. Derrick Harvey. Reggie Nelson. Boy they're bad. So why not keep up the trend? Draft Janoris Jenkins, a guy who was just kicked off the team for smoking weed for the eighty billionth time (third). Don't worry, he's draft eligible!

16.) Miami Dolphins

Randall Cobb - WR - Kentucky

Remember when the Wildcat formation was effective
? Remember when the Dolphins drafted Pat White only for the Wildcat? And then remember when the Wildcat stopped being effective (sorry for the ultra shitty bleacher report article)? Tony Sparano doesn't give two shits. Why? Because his quarterbacks are Chad Henne and Chad "I have never thrown a ball past 3 yards" Pennington. WILDCAT TIME. So who can you draft to keep this joke of a formation intact? Easy. Randall Cobb. With Cobb, you get a speed demon wideout, high school ESPN U top 150 QB, and...get this...an ACTUAL WILDCAT. Done deal.

17.) New England Patriots

Greg McElroy - QB - Alabama

I'm one of the biggest Patriot fans alive. But even I know they (and their fans...myself maybe included) can be among the smarmiest douches alive when they talk about "doing things right" (Randy Moss, Rodney Harrison on steroids, again Randy Moss) and "The Patriot Way" (sadly it hasn't won them anything since '05). So who would be the perfect candidate for "The Patriot Way"? Obviously Greg McElroy. Dude applied to be a Rhodes Scholar, had a perfect 4.0 GPA, scored a 48 on the wonderlic test, and never lost a game he started until his senior year. He's also a great game manager (code word for sucking) and barely a liability! He'd do a great job holding the clipboard until Tom Brady turns him into the next Tom Brady. Hair and all. It's the "Patriot Way"!

18.) San Diego Chargers

Josh Zahn - K - UAB

In San Diego, "special" teams are optional. That's why the Super Chargers will use their first rounder on Zahn, statistically the worst kicker in all of college football (gets the edge over Casey Tineus because at least he hit a 47 yarder). Obviously a perfect fit for San Diego.

19.) New York Giants

Ben Skaer - P - New Mexico

Skaer, who led the nation in punts, has got to be smart enough to know how to kick it out of bounds. Unlike certain people. What was his name again? AHHH. MATT DODGE FTL!

20.) Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Jimmy Smith - CB - Colorado

Mike Williams
. LaGarrette Blount. Aquib Talib. The Bucs certainly love drafting problem children. But Aquib Talib is almost certainly heading out of Tampa Bay after smoking weed, assaulting a cab driver, and finally [allegedly] shooting someone. So why not draft a guy who has been called "a carbon copy of Talib" in Jimmy Smith? Makes sense to me!

21.) Kansas City Chiefs

QB - Greg McElroy - Alabama

Pioli. Weis (now with Florida). Crennell. Vrabel. Cassell. The Junior Patriots have made a living off of Patriots cast offs and copying the "Patriot Way". But why wait for the leftovers? Why not draft the exact same player as the Pats. THEY'LL NEVER EXPECT IT.

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