April 28, 2011

NFL "Mock" Mock Draft Part 1

Mock drafts are a joke. So why not make a joke one? This "Mock" Mock draft will have three installments (completed tomorrow), where everyone drafts based off of team stereotypes. They can be real players, fictional players, or hell...not even players at all. Carolina is on the clock.

1.) Carolina Panthers

God - ATH - No college education

Lets face it. The Panthers are in worse shape than Chernobyl. There is literally no one they can draft who will turn this team around right away. Only hope? Draft God. Yes God. Dudes a 2 way player. Offense. Defense. Block. Tackle. Hold the ball, and kick the extra point. Hell, he will fill up the Gatorade cooler, walk the dog, and paint your back porch

2.) Denver Broncos

Blaine Gabbert - QB - Missouri

Denver has Kyle Orton. Denver has Tim Tebow. And Denver has Brady Quinn. But why have three equally mediocre quarterbacks when you can add a fourth...one with a huge chance to be a complete bust? After all, John Elway knows the only way to build a Super Bowl team is an entire roster of QBs. Hopefully I'm joking.

3.) Buffalo Bills

Rudy Ruettiger - Who gives a crap - Notre Dame

The Bills have actually been THE worst drafting team in the NFL over the past couple of years (at least according to this guy). So they may as well just pick the worst player ever early...just to get it out of the way. It was a little tough for me to find a specific worst player in this year's draft class. Mainly because nothing came up on the first page of google for "worst college football player of 2011". But then it struck me...why not pick the worst college football player of all-time 40 years after he played? There's no way he won't suck. Especially when this guy was 5'0 100 lbs in his prime. Need more proof? His only career highlight was getting subbed in on a kickoff at the end of a game that was already over. That and sacking a likely backup QB who knew the game was over and didn't give a rats ass. This guy would be Mr. Irrelevant in a draft of all Mr. Irrelevants.

4.) Cincinnati Bengals

Ryan Mallett - QB - Arkansas

Criminal? Check. Future Bust? Possibly. Matt Jones reincarnated? Definitely. That's all you need to be a Bungle. Seriously, they have like 11 guys who have been to jail. This article is FROM 2006. There have definitely been plenty more. Luckily, since no one gives a rats ass about Cincinnati, I'm not going to find em for ya.

5.) Arizona Larry-Fitzgeralds

Jerry Maguire - Superagent

Arizona could give two craps about the draft. The only relevant thing about the Cardinals is that they have Larry Fitzgerald. Fact. And unfortunately for the Red Birds, his contract expires after this season. You think drafting some craptastic quarterback like Blaine Gabbert would actually convince him to stay? Hell no. The Cardinals need someone to convince their star wide receiver to stay in Arizona. Luckily...that's already been done. Rod Tidwell anyone? Who kept that wideout in Arizona? None other than Tom Cruise/Jerry Maguire. Just forget the whole essay you wrote about a lack of ethics in being a sports agent, convince him to sign his name on a napkin, and SHABOOM. 200 year contract. Get it done Jerry.

6.) Cleveland Browns

Cam Newton - QB - Auburn

Poor Cleveland. Everything that goes there dies, loses, or takes its talents to South Beach. That's why Cleveland MUST take Cam Newton. Not because he's the best player ever and can save the Dawg Pound. It's because he's the biggest 50/50 gamble in the draft. Could be great. Or could be an egomanical problem child who throws laptops better than he throws in a pro system. Seeing as history repeats itself, I'm going with choice B.

7.) San Francisco 49ers

Ricky Stanzi - QB - Iowa

San Francisco. A town of tolerance. Liberal Ideals. And of course, hippies. Seems like the perfect place for a guy like Ricky Stanzi. The same guy who said "if you don't love it [USA], leave it...USA number 1". The same guy who also said “I don’t know how other colleges are, but when you walk around here, you’ve got people...you’ve got guys walking around in dresses and just these hippies...They’re doing nothing. There’s the Ped Mall area down there, right in the middle. Those people are going nowhere. Those people are the people who don’t like America.” Sounds like a great fit for San Fran. On the good side, he is rocking a Cali-style flow.

8.) Tennessee Titans

Steve Latimer - LB - ESU Timberwolves

Tennessee loves the crazy. Whether its LenDale White losing 30 lbs by giving up Tequila, Albert Hayneworth curbstomping fools, or Vince Young being completely and totally nuts. Why not bring Steve Latimer aboard? Sure, the dudes more roided up than Carrot Top. But he's also batshit insane! Who would want to go up against this dude?

9.) Dallas Cowboys

Willie Beamen - QB

Primadonna? Showboat? Overhyped? Dallas native? Seems like the classic Cowboy. Here's a guy who was a seventh round pick, and was a third stringer. Then after filling in and playing well for like 4 games he's suddenly on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and making rap songs about how he's steamin'. Think that topped Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin 10 times over.

10.) Washington Redskins

Nick Fairley - DT - Auburn

A one year stud with a questionable work ethic, and a tendency to dole out cheap shots? Gee, never heard of that before. Let's make it happen again!

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